tellyjelly

Red Riding: 5 March 2009

Honestly, it was sunny in the north in the 1970s especially in 1975 and 1976 but Red Riding was more concerned with police corruption than the weather. Fair enough I suppose.

Paris Hilton's British Best Friend

This has to be the strangest but most likely evolutionary outcome of reality shows as Paris searches for her best friend and there is no irony on display throughout the full five hours of each episode (it's an hour, it just feels like five hours, I was trying to be ironic). To be her best friend you have to a) dress according to her tastes - because you're her best friend and she gets to call the shots. b) be able to flirt but not in a slutty way c) be prepared to be her 'pet' at some point and be pleased about this. For those not in the know, being a pet involves spending quality time with her and grassing up the other housemates. The lengths some people are prepared to travel to be on t.v. have surely reached their limits by now unless someone comes up with the better idea of being Paris Hilton's Worst Enemy.

Coronation Street: 6 March 2009

Joan of Arc might not have worn a tracksuit or smoked ciggies, as Liz argued, but that doesn't mean Beckie's wedding day next week (Friday 13th) shouldn't go ahead. It's not looking likely at the moment, given the date, the trailers and the fact that this is soap. In other news, Peter was found out to be a two-timing rat, again, and dad Ken is reminding us where he gets it from. Ooh, can't wait for Ken to get caught out. Here's hoping Eccles learns to communicate the news to Blanche via stamping his paws.  

Coronation Street: 2 March 2009

Janice Battersby has at last been released from her one-dimensional bitchy role as she tries to 'improve herself' and last night must have been one of the more moving scenes this character has been involved in. See - I do know they aren't real people. Her dispute with Roarsie couldn't have been better handled and I only hope we get to see her be a nurse eventually (although there is the chance she could be turned into a Ratched I suppose).

Dancing on Ice: Week 8 1 March 2009

It's not that much fun anymore, now Todd's gone, but for those who still want to know --- Roxy of Emmerdale and Zoe of Blue Peter were in the skate-off and Roxy was booted off. They were both very understanding and polite about Colleen being put through by the phone-in vote, so it was all well-behaved and just a little bit boring.

Eastenders: 26 February 2009

We're expected to believe a lot when we watch soaps: that a group of Metallica fans would descend on the Rovers Return when Becky is working alone, or that Maria is now sympathetic toward Tony Gordon (in Coronation Street of course). As ever, Eastenders has to go that step further and venture into what can only be described as surrealism. I'm referring to the impossible expectation that we the viewers could possibly ever believe ... that Ian Beale is preparing to 'celebrate' his fortieth birthday. He has been fifty for at least twenty years, and yet here he is having a mid-life crisis when he should be having a party for the fact that he now gets his telly licence for free. This is just too much. I can just about accept that Patrick is ashamed of being caught up in a riot (fifty years ago, when Ian first set up the fruit and veg stall), but Ian being forty, never.

University Challenge: The Final 2009

The celebration of knowing nothing continues as Ms Trimble makes the news for being an intelligent woman. Hold the front page - she not he knows lots of things. The same news item also reported how there is a Facebook group for members to express how much they hate her. So let's get this right: she isn't a rich footballer or an X-Factor wannabe, she isn't married to a footballer, isn't that glamorous, but is knowledgeable about arts based subjects, so that's enough to inspire some to want to vent their anger against her?  

Coronation Street: 23 February 2009

Ken has been acting suspiciously for a few weeks now, and this includes taking poor little-legs Eccles out for five hour walks, but it has gone unnoticed until he made the mistake of buying wine in the corner shop. Blanche is worried he might be taking up novel writing again, because we all know the effect that had on him last time (for those who haven't kept up with the action, he became an alcoholic in the course of a week) but we the viewers know Stephanie Beecham of the Barge is his latest distraction. Will he or won't he sail away with her to Manchester? My guess is he'll stay in Wetherfield and have one more thwarted ambition to add to his list. Even though Stephanie makes his favourite leek and potato soup and Deirdre just opens a can, he is stuck in Coronation Street forever.

A Very British Storm Junkie v Paparazzi: Next Generation

Having too much time on my hands, and in search of a hobbie, chasing storms or chasing celebrities seemed like viable ideas. Both of these past times look quite exciting from afar, but I think, on the whole, I'd rather be a storm junkie. The third option would be acting as Shirley's stunt double on Eastenders, as I would get to leap over a wall belonging to a neighbour of George Michael's, and have the chance to wear an ill-fitting blonde wig. But no, storm chasing it is. You meet friendly people who don't care what the rest of society thinks - including loved ones - and you go abroad a lot. The paparazzi lifestyle isn't nearly so glamorous, unless you count taking photos of famous people, and the job amounts to being a paid stalker of people who, frankly, aren't that interesting. Jude Law, need I say more?

Coronation Street: 9 February 2009

If only Uncle Len Windass hadn't shouted EVERY SINGLE ONE OF HIS LINES in last night's show, I might have still had intact eardrums. It's time for Gail to lend Joe some money so he can buy some polyfilla to fill that almighty gob. While we're on the subject of the Windass family, do they have to be such hateful creations? We've have seen this before of course, and the Battersbys became likeable in the end we know, but I wish the writers would give them at least some redeeming characteristics apart from Eddie being able to bake fairy cakes.

Dancing on Ice Week Five: 8 Feb 2009

Alas, poor Todd has been evicted, er voted off, and Ellery lives to skate another day. I'm quite surprised Todd wasn't rescued by the viewers given the popularity of his routines, but the writing was perhaps on the wall once Torville and Dean decided to drop the intentional comedy. Here's to hoping he'll be on this year's Strictly Come Dancing.

Saturday Night Viewing: Total Wipeout

For those of us who remember It's A Knockout, Total Wipeout is like its poor relation because the contestants don't get to wear ridiculous costumes and we don't get to hear Stuart Hall's laugh. The selling points comes, though, in the impossibility of the course (namely getting across the big red balls - honestly) and the fact it is made in Argentina. Both of these details lend the programme an air of mystery that has been sadly lacking on the BBC's Saturday night telly schedule.

Thankfully, Your Country Needs You has finally been put out of its and our misery after they found the winning entry for this year's Eurovision Song Contest. We always knew this would be a flawed project when they said the Lloyd Webber magic would stop us coming bottom. We didn't even need the nil point prediction from the patron saint of t.v. viewers everywhere (Harry Hill) because we got to see where Lloyd Webber was coming from when he went begging cap in hand to the 'tricky customer' Putin to ask him to secure more votes for Britain. I would never expect Lloyd Webber to match Jeremy Paxman, say, or even a Barbie doll, in political astuteness, but surely even he knows about Putin's record on human rights.  Shame on you - what next, having tea with Mugabe to discuss the weather?

Coronation Street: 4 February 2009

I wonder if Carla has finally got the message that her husband is, how can I put it, not to be trusted? It always was a fraught relationship given that his ex insisted that he is violent/frightening/stalkerish/controlling etc and she didn't even know about his murrderrous side. It could be then that his plan to have Maria carted off for an indeterminate length of time has failed, so far anyway, which is good for my peace of my mind (but a bit of a shame too). On a brighter note, though, Carla might turn him into a handbag as she memorably promised to do to Rosie if she ever crossed her again.

Dancing on Ice Week Four: 1 Feb 2009

The unsinkable Todd Carty got through another week without facing the skate-off - which is only right and proper. His routine wasn't quite as exciting this week, or hilarious, but like Ray he did have a lot to live up to. Michael Underwood, he of the broken ankle last year, and Melinda Messenger were least favoured by the viewers and he ending up getting the chop. At least this means we won't have to hear about his injury any more or any time soon.

Coronation Street: 30 January 2009

Could this be the downfall of Tony Gordon appearing over the horizon, or time for Carla to be his next victim? Now she's spotted the scars on Jed Stone's neck, and putting two and two together etc, It looks like we might finally have some resolution and people will stop saying how wonderful he is, and how mad Maria is. Hopefully, she won't be carted before any of this happens because my nerves can't take this storyline anymore. There's not enough vitamin B in the world to help us cope with the possibility of this injustice, so writers do the right thing, but please let Tony bump off a few more of the black-haired gang before he gets caught.

Eastenders: 27 January 2009

At last, Janine has found the money underneath her dead, stuffed pussy and for the non-viewers this is not a euphemism. She really has got a dead, stuffed pussy that was bequeathed to her by the man who was going to be her husband. It is all somewhat complicated, and frankly if you can't be bothered to watch this I'm not sure if you deserve an explanation. For the troopers and die-hards among us, you know what I mean.

Technology is improving on Albert Square now. All you have to do, apparently, is open a laptop and lo and behold you find Janine on the screen with a petrol can in hand, or you can listen to her double dealing. What a great invention.

Dancing on Ice Week Three: Todd Carty

Seeing Todd Carty 'skate' off down the tunnel as part of his routine to 'Help!' has to be one of the best clips of this or any other series. To see it again, and again and again follow the link:

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=TLIMOvAksRg

Celebrity Big Brother 2009: Ulrika the Winner

Forget the grassy knoll and the Paris tunnel - Ulrika won Celebrity Big Brother 2009. This is more than a shock; it's unbelievable and unlikely. I've nothing else to say on the matter except I want my money back (from voting for anyone but her).

Eastenders: 22 January 2009

After watching Eastenders last night, I came away thinking I could have done something more meaningful with my time like walk around the world five times or memorise my times tables up to a thousand, or sleep. It has taken at least five years for the scriptwriters to finally reveal that little Dotty is up to no good and takes after her dad, Fagin. Oh, and Janine is going to cause trouble for Ronnie as former policeman Jack can see no harm in her. Janine is sooo manipulative that even he falls for her supposed charm; well, that's what we're supposed to think.

I feel as tired as the scripts after sitting through this half-hour and can only hope tonight's episode will be magnificent. The writers should stop cashing in on soap addicts having no free will and do the decent thing; that is, make it interesting.

Dodi Al-fayed: What Really Happened

Jacques Peretti's series looked at Paul Burrell's life last week and kept up the connection with Diana in last night's episode about Dodi. The title 'what really happened' implies a tabloid hatchet job, but the treatment of Dodi was mostly fair even if it was at times compromised by not going further into his background. It should be applauded, though, for being the first programme in living memory to understand that despite the control his father might have had over his life, he will also always be grieving for his son.  

Celebrity Big Brother: La Toya and Tommy get the boot

At last my prediction has come true - that Tommy and La Toya get voted off. Ok, strictly speaking I thought they would be voted off first, but I hadn't taken into account how strange some of the women would be this year. I also didn't realise that Tina was Mimi in all but name, and as she said herself Tony Soprano in a frock. This is not necessarily an insult, as Tony Soprano is worth aspiring to ... if you want to intimidate people. I also think the 'biting the toenails while talking to Ulrika' scene played another part in her downfall and suggest future BB contestants avoid repeating the same mistake.

Celebrity Big Brother: Michelle Evicted

Tina went on Friday and left us wondering whether she is a good actress or has been playing herself all along in Shameless. Either way, she must be glad to be back with Patrick and the boys. Last night it was Michelle's turn to go and to be fair to her she didn't seem too bitter about Coolio, well, not much. On the same subject (of Coolio and Michelle), I can't believe they edited out the part of the 'would you rather game..' when he asked her if she would rather have a squirrel live in her womb for a year or a dog shit in her womb for a week. We all want to know the answer.  

Dancing on Ice: Graeme Le Saux the First to Go

It looks like we could have a pretender to the John Sergeant throne as Tucker Jenkins (aka Todd Carty) escaped the send-off thanks to the generosity of the phone voters. One of the judges said how moving it was to watch him try, which was true strangely enough. The nasty judge Jason said Tucker looked like he'd had a (bowel) movement in his undies, and this was sufficiently acerbic to save our man for at least five more weeks. Meanwhile, Graeme gets the old heave ho and is the first of hopefully many that fail to impress despite being better.

Life of Riley: First Episode

This is a belated response to Life of Riley because I'm just getting over the trauma. The title gave me a warning about how bad it would be and the trailers showing the 'funny bits' weren't funny - bearing in mind this is a comedy, it didn't have the best welcome mat laid out. It has to be seen to be believed, though, so I thought I'd be brave and watch it for research purposes. 

The most amazing thing about it is that it got commissioned in the first place. There. I've said it. And if there are any fans out there, please be offended as you seriously should see the doctor to find out if you've got a funny bone. Two parents, three step-children and one baby; jokes you can see and hear coming a mile off. Still, it pays the mortgage.

Surviving Gazza

This was uncomfortable viewing at its worst and I can't help thinking the film makers were irresponsible to broadcast a 12 year old speaking so abruptly about his father. I only hope that when he is older he does not berate himself too much for saying what he said on film, and remembers that a supervising adult (who has some distance on this situation) should have intervened to make sure this did not go on public record.

Coronation Street and Eastenders: 5 January 2008

Coronation Street, I knew you wouldn't let me down. It was the best episode of the year last night with Liz hiding behind a chair while Steve stole her best lines. His objections to Lloyd sleeping with his mother have to be the most original but stomach churning ones we have had the privilege of hearing (that he came out from between those legs) and so the mummy's boy did good. Once he gets over these initial difficulties he might see that Lloyd would make a good step-father, and perhaps he could take him to the park.

While we're on the subjects of soaps, again, Eastenders came a close second and if you prefer crying to laughing it would be the outright winner. My only problem with it was the way they signal someone has left the house by showing us an open door. Firstly, it is January and they are letting the heating out. Secondly, burglars could get in very easily and so the producers are being irresponsible letting this air before the watershed. Thirdly, surely there are other ways of indicating that Lauren and Jean have left their houses. They could show footprints leading to the door, or a strand of wool could be spotted (by Max or Stacie) where a scarf was caught as they left. Or, somebody could ring the concerned member of the family to let them know their loved one has left the house. Apart from this, though, it was v. moving especially when arch villain Janine reclaimed Terence the dog and made little Tiffany cry.

Celebrity Big Brother: Day One

It seems to me like there's a lot of borrowing going on in Celebrity Big Brother and it's only day one. La Toya is wearing Michael's face and Davina has resurrected Pete Burn's dead gorilla coat. While we're on the subject, why can't they evoke good memories from the past instead of forcing us to look at these uncomfortable things?

It is far too early to say who might win or who will go out first because as ever I will be proven wrong - ok, I'll put myself on the line one last time and I mean it one last time. To win: the boy from the boy band who will remain nameless until I can remember it but I will have forgotten it again by the time I come to type it. To go first: it's between Tommy and La Toya I reckon (for now, but one of them will probably win it going by my track record).

Emmerdale: 29th December 2008

Not being as green as one is cabbage looking, or something like that, was the motto for the day in soapland yesterday in both Coronation Street and Emmerdale and for knowing that I think the signs are there for me to do other things that don't involve staring at a screen for hours on end. Before this time comes, I must mention Emmerdale and how seasonally uncheery it has been - praise the Lord. One of the major highlights was Victoria holding Shane's cold dead hand under the ice. The saving of the church - for now - was another bonus but this was a little too happy-making for those of us of a negative Christmas disposition. If only Andy could go on a rampage in the next few days, New Year would be so realistic then. Until that time, we have Matthew King's funeral to look forward to and the general demise of what is left of the King family should be good viewing.

Only Connect: The Final

At last, after 15 weeks, the Only Connect champions of 2008 have been found. The Crossworders trounced the Lapsed Psychologists in the most difficult quiz show ever invented and proved beyond doubt they are miles smarter than anybody else. They not only know their Greek alphabet, like all the other contestants, but they actually know other things as well. This show should be shown at primetime on ITV and replace Golden Balls to mark the end of dumbing down. Do you know, they actually have questions on here that make no references to soaps, Harry Potter or 'how many gold rings' there are in Twelve Days of Christmas.

Coronation Street: Christmas Happenings

You'd think the biggest mystery over the Christmas period in Coronation Street would be what has happened to Jed Stone. If you thought this, you'd be wrong. No, the question we're all asking is where did she (Carla) get that hat, where did she get that hat. In second place, we (I anyway) would like to know where Audrey spent Christmas day. While Joe was going with the flow of a soapland Christmas, ie throwing vol-au-vents at the neighbours, she was nowhere to be found. Ok, she resurfaced to accuse Maria of going mad on Boxing Day, but did not bother to explain who she ate turkey with and why she wasn't at Gail's. In third place, how come there was enough paint on the brush for Becky to insert the R in MUDERER to save Maria's graffiti blushes. Apart from these queries, it passed the test of being watchable.

Coronation Street: The Christmas Carol

If Tony Gordon is Scrooge, and Jed and Maria are the ghosts of Christmas past and present, who's playing Tiny Tim? You'd expect this to be Simon, the long-lost-son of Peter, I suppose, but it would be more fitting to have a change from tradition and go with Blanche. She suffers as much with her leg as the Tiny one does, and she could do with a bit of kindness after reciting all the best lines.

While we're asking questions about the nation's favourite soap, who in their right mind would accuse somebody of murder and then arrange to meet them in the back alley (so to speak)? Jed would that's who, and I can't help thinking Tony will get that money back off him one way or another.  

Strictly Come Dancing: The Final

I can't believe the outcome of this year's Strictly Come Dancing final. I'm not surprised at Tom winning because he smiles a lot and people generally like that even though he tripped over, but the shock is that it will be off our screens for six months at least - except for the Christmas Day show for those who can't get enough of it. Apart from his smiles and tap dancing background, we should have known Tom would win because he was the rank outsider for the judges last week, and knowing how popular those judges are the other two didn't stand a chance with the phone in vote deciding everything.

Caption Competition: George Bush and the Flying Shoes

If Have I Got News For You can do it, then so can we. The winner for the best caption for this picture will receive ... the praise of many.

 

For the fuller, moving version click below

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/7782774.stm

Strictly Come Dancing Voting: The semi-final that wasn't

At least the heat is off John Sergeant now that the producers have screwed up on the voting system in Strictly Come Dancing. On the other hand, if he hadn't resigned... NO - there is something strange about all this. Week after week people have been urged to ring up to vote for their favourites when those high up on the leader board obviously haven't needed the help to stay in as their place has already been secured by the judges. This cannot be the first week this has mattered, but it is the first week the BBC has said it does. I didn't think it was possible to string this show out any longer, but I've been proven wrong yet again. Perhaps next week there will be another draw because there's an r in the month, and the week after because it's nearly new year and they don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. These three couples could be in a perpetual dance-off and they don't even know it; this could be their own personal Kafka nightmare as well as ours.

Coronation Street: 16 December 2008

Yeah, yeah, yeah - the credit crunch is kicking in, we know, but surely Tony Gordon can afford a new belt to strangle Maria instead of rummaging through her laundry basket.

As demonic as he is supposed to be, it is good to see trouble brewing because after all it wouldn't be Christmas without more bloodshed in soapland. Some viewers, especially those in Lincolnshire, have mentioned how they would like to see Tony kill Michelle and Carla as well and obliterate the black-haired gang for good, but I think this is a little harsh. Perhaps he could just frighten them enough so they leave and never come back, and Ryan can stay as long as he lets Audrey puts some streaks in.

Coronation Street: 12 December 2008

So, Audrey has suddenly reappeared and instead of supporting Maria and believing Evil Tony Gordon killed Liam she has joined the rest of the cast in trying to Gaslight her. I can't help thinking this is too unlikely for soap fans even, especially as we remember that Audrey was also once the victim of such  manipulation when Richard Hillman was on the scene, but perhaps the scriptwriters have forgotten this. And while we're on the subject of unlikely and annoying events in soapland - the introduction of Eileen's dad has to be up there in the top ten, as does Betty taking on Britney Spears in worst mime act of the year in Emmerdale. Roll on Christmas and the inevitable Queen Vic dinner disaster in Eastenders to cheer me up.

Coronation Street: 7 December 2008

Fanfares of trumpets could be heard across the land with the return, for now, of Coronation Street on a Sunday night. The demise of the black-haired gang is well under way which gives us more cause to celebrate and if only somebody, or just anybody, would believe Maria about her suspicions of Tony then the world would be a happier place. All the main characters seem to have been designated the roles of implying she is imbalanced, because of her recent bereavement and pregnancy, but the script is getting a little predictable because everyone she talks to says something along the lines of 'you're imagining things because your hormones are all over the place - go home and have a lie down'. Yawn yawn - where's Audrey when you need her?

At Home

Stay here for the latest reviews of what is and isn't hot on television. Soaps feature strongly, in accordance with the rules set down for addicts to t.v., and the only reality accepted is that which is edited for the viewers - except for anything with Simon Cowell's fingerprints attached - so Big Brother we are watching you. I also promise to celebrate the goodness of Roy Cropper and the badness of Alan Sugar sorry Sir Alan.

Too often, reviewers tend to criticise telly as though they despise the medium they are paid to watch. Sometimes it seems that they haven't even watched the programme they are discussing. Apart from Teenage Kicks, which is only bearable in five minute segments, the programmes looked at here have been given the full attention they deserve.      

                                   

Emmerdale: 7 December 2008

Shane the evil, bent coppa is now wrapped up in a blanket and ready to be disposed of and all Jasmine can do is cry. This situation is so far removed from what makes Emmerdale interesting - and for the non-believers it can be good, honestly - that I think it might be time to use the remote control more wisely at 7 pm. Or I could wait till it picks up again.

Either way, Shane and his involvement with the nasty MacFarlanes just isn't that compelling despite us knowing that the MacFarlanes own a nightclub (ooh) and are gangsters (even more oohs) and the constant references to how dangerous and important they are in the Yorkshire Dales makes me wonder why they have never been mentioned before. Eastenders fell out of favour with the viewers for the eternal gangster crap and so be warned Emmerdale writers or you could have a mass switch off (of one).

I'm A Celebrity: Separated at Birth Challenge

 

Because last week's quiz was so popular, here's another: which contestant on this year's I'm a Celebrity reminds you of Mrs Mack of Take the High Road? The winner will be selected in due course.

I'm A Celebrity: David Van Day

When Timmy Mallett and David Van Day were introduced as the new jungle - or should that be rain forest - housemates, a sinking feeling came over me and I thought it would be too much 1980s deja vu to handle. Yet again, reality tv has proved me wrong and it turns out that I am interested in how well David Van Day can manipulate the others. I didn't know he had the ability to do this, let alone the energy, and for this he should be made king of the rain forest and given a record deal for the song he has been composing. This may be going too far, but I hope he lasts long enough to at least have time to take over the double decker bus as he promised.

 

I'm A Celebrity: Kilroy the First (to go)

Unfortunately Kilroy is the first to be voted off (so to speak) this year leaving the likes of Carly and Simon the chance to show even more of their personalities than we have already seen. David Van Day is looking stronger by the minute and the following multiple choice question needs to be solved right away.

Does he remind you of

a) Norman Wisdom (Judy's choice)?, b) Steve Strange (my choice)?, c) don't know, d) don't care.

                                                    

Please send your answers on a postcard and the first to be picked out of the hat will be the winner.

I'm A Celebrity: David Van Day

When Timmy Mallett and David Van Day were introduced as the new jungle - or should that be rain forest - housemates, a sinking feeling came over me and I thought it would be too much 1980s deja vu to handle. Yet again, reality tv has proved me wrong and it turns out that I am interested in how well David Van Day can manipulate the others. I didn't know he had the ability to do this, let alone the energy, and for this he should be made king of the rain forest and given a record deal for the song he has been composing. This may be going too far, but I hope he lasts long enough to at least have time to take over the double decker bus as he promised.

 

Strictly Come Dancing: John Sergeant v James Jordan

John Sergeant's withdrawal from Strictly Come Dancing has received more press attention than it might deserve, having been covered on all the main news programmes including Newsnight as well as the obligatory It Takes Two, but it is intriguing even if you are immune to the appeal of the show. John decides to (quick) step down after numerous criticisms of him and the voting public not taking the dancing seriously and the main voice behind this was James Jordan after he and partner Cherie Lunghi got the boot on Sunday. Now James is saying John has done the wrong thing by leaving and more or less accused him of attention seeking on last night's It Takes Two. It looks to me like John's decision not to be the whipping boy anymore has not been accepted graciously, and I advise James to hang up his pumps and book a three month holiday next autumn as I doubt he'll get far with the voters.

I'm a Celebrity: Kilroy

Apart from Kilroy, the only other person who can be pleased about his stay in the jungle and re-appearance on telly has to be his wife (I think he said they had only been apart for four days in over forty years of marriage). Saying that, the other contestants should be secretly elated as they know they won't be the first to go and the celebrity ego will remain intact. This may sound mean, but speaking on behalf of all loyal daytime telly watchers, we can't forget let alone forgive him for all the times he cut people short on his talk show - and it was his talk show as he never let anyone else get a word in.

Outnumbered

Something strange happened on terrestrial telly last night - a comedy was shown, on BBC1, on a Saturday night, and it was funny. Outnumbered might be a little twee for some, but what a relief to not have to watch a programme that involved dancing dogs or people, or Simon Cowell lording it over more star struck ordinary members of the public (as they are always referred to). Speaking of which, I can't help thinking he should get his comeuppance some time soon. It seemed to be heading that way on the news in the middle of the week when he was seen to mock someone on the American Pop Idol/X Factor who then went on to commit suicide, but his reign continues as people wait for his pronouncements as though he were God - or talented in any way.

Rich Kid, Poor Kid

The premise for this documentary seems to be that it's possible for two teenagers living on the same street to live such contrasting lives and I suppose the film maker was saying this could be a metaphor for the rest of England. Except these are real people being observed and with little background information to support how divided this country is it came across as prurient and judging of both girls - of the richer one for her initial inherited snobbery and of the poorer one because she didn't have much money. I wonder if it was 'personalised' in such a way because the viewers couldn't be presumed to take in a film that explains the disparity of wealth without such a narrow focus.

Lady Randy: Churchill's Mother

This programme was proof that Churchill had at least one likeable person in his family despite the voiceover and some of the contributors trying to get us to think otherwise. One of the more fascinating insights into his mother was that she wore a musical bustle that played when she sat down and she had relationships with men other than her husband. The latter was the main focus and I wonder if we were supposed to be shock, especially as this was reiterated on a number of occasions. We were also told she had the eyes of a panther. I'm surprised he didn't ask for them back, but that's another story.

Celebrity Scissorhands

Steve Strange's hair allergy has finally got the better of him and,for now, he has left the salon for good. If this had happened in the last two series, it might have been difficult to replace his artistic genius, but now we have Zammo of Grange Hill and Just Say No emerging as a worthy rival. The pink pom-pom that he superglued to a woman's forehead in the name of a creative makeover will probably never be bettered, and is an idea that Steve Strange, or anyone else, would never have come up with. It might even catch on, you never know.

Coronation Street: 3rd November 2008

Last night, Rosie escaped from The Collector, and Fiz's over-acting, after five weeks of impersonating John Stape's grandmother's cat, but hasn't the time passed quickly? She hasn't missed much really, except the news of what happens if you make prank calls to Andrew Sachs. Oh, and Tony Gordon has had Liam killed and employed Gavin from Emmerdale to do his dirty work. She might be surprised to learn that Janice has been accepted back into the fold, though, but let us not forget that in soapland characters do and say the most terrible things to each other and for the purposes of the plot they all forgive each other in the next episode.