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Big Brother: 8 June 2009

Latest News: Marcus accused Sree of being an attention whore, behind his back of course, and Angel sucked the yolk from an egg rather than join in and have pizza with the others.

In conclusion, Angel should win Big Brother but probably won't.

The Apprentice: The Final, 7 June 2009

So what are we supposed to do now then? Big Brother just isn't that appealing anymore, especially since Ulrika 'won' the celebrity version. Anyway, Yasmina was hired and we should point out that she is the second (count 'em) Hull-born contestant to win The Apprentice.

You're Hired had Jonathan Ross on the panel and, did you know, he can be quite funny, sometimes. The other massive revelation last night was that Margaret is leaving to finish her PhD (I always thought she was really clever) - so it's black armbands time again.

Big Brother: Launch Night, 4 June 2009

Oh God, the crack cocaine of tv is back and no I couldn't resist it.

Here's the prediction for the winner, which will of course be totally wrong:

Wait for it ....

Yes, it looks certain that ... Kris or Charlie will win (depending on house mate status, nominations, evictions and the viewing public).

The Apprentice: Week 11, 3 June 2009

Oh well, never mind, as yet again I fail to pick a winner or even a finalist on this or any other reality tv show. He should have picked James and Lorraine, though, and not Yasmina and Kate. Grumble grumble. Anyway, I am at least relieved the ridiculous torture by ritual humiliation round is over. We're not worthy of your opinions oh great ones. No, really, we're not, so please stop giving them to us (especially big chief Claude).

Eastenders: 2 June 2009

Who would have thought a stool leg could have posed such a deadly threat to a crowd of people? Nasty Nick, that's who, and I bet he couldn't believe his luck when he had so many people in the cafe at one time as this gave him the chance to terrrorise everyone in the square all in one go.

Oh dear what another strange, melodramatic storyline. In the time it took him to break the stool into pieces and select the deadliest of the remaining legs, at least one of the hostages could have made a run for it, surely. And what about the fire, and the closing shot of 'flames' licking around Bradley's strawberrry blonde hair? Mm. I take it he manages to recover from this close call, and no doubt his Nastiness will return in another few years with another child and another cunning plan.

Eastenders: 1 June 2009

As we all know, this is the second time Nasty Nick has decided to poison his poor old ma, so you'd think he would have found somewhere more discreet to crush the tablets. There he was last night, merrily crushing away in the kitchen while Dot prayed in the living room, and he even had the door open. They may as well have had him sat on Arthur's Seat (the bench in the square), but more believably upstairs out of the way. While we're on the subject, couldn't they have come up with a different way to kill her, just to make it more interesting? The addition of Dottie is supposed to be another turn of the screw, I suppose, but it would have been far better if he'd rigged up the stairlift like he did Ashley's motorbike. Or set a hit man onto her, or poison the pages of her Bible... 

Eastenders: 28 May 2009

Last night's Eastenders was chock full of incidents, and best of all was the creation of a new sport organised and led by Phil. The rules for this game are clear: find four men of various heights and abilities and give them a racquet or bat of their choice. The drunkest one then goes to the nearest door and tries to unlock it without dropping cricket bat/baseballl bat/squash racquet.  Phil lost the first game, unsurprisingly, but Billy has an outside chance of being beaten to a pulp. Something like that anyway.

The Apprentice: Week Ten, 27 May 2009

This week Lorraine performed the great escape (da da, da daa da da da) and we can only hope she and James manage to bamboozle the interview panel enough in the next episode to get through to the final. Howard drew the short straw, while also being told he isn't a big man, and was last seen in a taxi - until he appeared on You're Fired two minutes later.

Eastenders: 22 May 2009

At last, the blackmail plot against Billy is over. Apart from the misery that you know will accompany any storyline he is involved in, it is as though the writers move up a gear for him and thank God they haven't tortured all of us by making him be Nasty Nick's victim for evermore. Billy is predictable in that he is never a hero, is always penniless and downtrodden, and is always the poor relation of the Mitchell clan but at least he has good lines and I don't feel like kicking the telly in when he is on. If it is time for his storyline, it also means we don't have to listen to the boring old tosh about Ronnie/Roxie either, which is always a bonus. Speaking of which, is anybody bothered about their strange yet uninteresting love triangle with Jack? Thought not.  

The Apprentice: Week Nine, 20 May 2009

There was another surprise dismissal as Debra once more failed to get the boot. She seems to be trying really hard to get the sack, but Siralan isn't having any of it despite the fact that his two trusted colleagues don't seem to like her very much. He was a boogie woogie bugle boy, though, and so he should know.

Last night meant it was goodbye Ben and as with the other would be apprentices, he came across disappointingly well on You're Fired. He was even good-natured enough to laugh at the constant reminders of how he has mentioned his Sandhurst scholarship once or twice.

By now we should be able to sort out a winner. My mythical money is on James or Lorraine. This has of course cursed them; therefore, it will probably be Howard. But this has cursed him now, so it might be Kate or Yasmina.

Eastenders: 19 May 2009

Sid tells Bradley she has another man in her life. Her young son then appears in the doorway and we all breathe a sigh of relief as it dawns on us, all at once, that she hasn't been cheating on the strawberry blonde one, she's just been embarrassed about having a child. Bearing in mind this child hasn't been spotted thus far, I wonder if she has been keeping him in the attic or a cupboard. I'm so glad that this misunderstanding is sorted out now as the drama was getting too much: will Bradley leave for Edinburgh or won't he, and why is Sid acting strangely - thankfully these have all been answered.

Coronation Street: 15 May 2009

You'd have thought Norris's long lost half-brother, Ramsey, would've rang to say he was calling round, but perhaps he doesn't like using the phone (or answer machines).

Well, what a turn up - one door closes, with Mary going, and a trap door opens for Norris and meanwhile Eddy, the Roy Cropper doppelganger, has won a trip to any European city of his choice. I thought he would have opted for Manchester but disappointing wifey has chosen Paris.

Coronation Street: 13 May 2009

Norris and Mary sitting in the Beast, not k.i.s.s.i.n.g. Well, if you watched it last night you would know I'm referring to Mary's femme fatale make-over and the meal they both had in the camper van. It was a night of revelations really. Who knew before yesterday that she had named her monkey (Miu Miu? Mao Mao?), or that she is a life-long fan of Sheena Easton?

The Apprentice: Week 8, 13 May 2009

Lucky Margate had the chance to be re-branded by the two teams this week and I really don't know what the town had done to deserve this. Anyway, back in the boardroom it was between Debra, James and Mona and Mona took the bullet for Debra. On the You're Fired show we were led to believe James was the lucky one, as 'the one that got away', so somehow Debra slipped through the net yet again. Here are the facts: she didn't complete the leaflet in time, was ok about lying about the gaps on the leaflet, and was obnoxious once again to the guy who she wants to employ her. I rest my case.

Eastenders: 12 May 2009

Now that you can't even enjoy a good sneeze in public, you'd think the writers would let up on the moralising about binge drinking. Can't we do anything anymore? Red-eyed Phil is a lesson for all of us to learn, though, because we too might end up falling down the stairs if, logically by Eastenders standards, we refuse to kill the enemy within (Archie of course, keep up) on our Eastend mum's say so and then turn to alcohol as a comfort. Oh dear.

Mark Lawson Talks to Ian Hislop: BBC 4 9 May 2009

This is worth watching if only to see a clip of Ian Hislop squirming when he tried to interview Tom Waits on his first foray into television work. He tells Mark Lawson he was worried that Waits was going to be violent, and the fear shows.

If you, like me, are getting tired of the rise in nastiness and reduction in humour in Have I Got News For You this could still be of interest because it will remind you that Hislop at least used to be satirical as well as explaining why he doesn't like Piers Morgan very much.

Eastenders: 8 May 2009

I wonder if Nasty Nick could ever be made into a more than one dimensional character. One and a quarter or even one and a half dimensions would make him that bit less predictable. Billy looks surprised that he wants to blackmail him, and Dot doesn't realise that the same Nick who tried to kill her years ago now wants her to think she is losing her marbles and her ... memory. Don't these people ever watch Eastenders? Me thinks this will only end in tears when she finds out, yet again, that her son is a soap villain.

The Apprentice: Week Seven, 6 May 2009

Was this the best one so far, or what? Philip was given his marching orders not long after he showed a complete lack of maturity and I don't know if he ever had the chance to find the dummy he spat out. The strange thing about many of The Apprentice contestants is the unerring self-belief they have despite the evidence to the contrary. This week was perhaps the best one for viewers who have ever had to put up with the hard face of arrogance, and revenge was sweet.

Eastenders: 4 May 2009

Cliffhanger Heather, formerly Heather of Eastenders, used to be one of the nation's favourite characters (well, one of mine anyway in this particularly downbeat soap), but it looks like she is set to cause as much misery as all the others now. She was last seen setting fire to the letter that would have put an end to the mystery of who the father of her baby is, and all I could think was how good it is to have metal bins from schools for times like these. What's the betting this storyline drags on into eternity and the baby will only find out who his/her father is in 18 years time and will unfortunately be run over and killed by Janine just as he/she runs across the road to meet him?

Coronation Street: 4 May 2009

I can see it would have been difficult to keep Ken in Coronation Street if he'd have left for the ocean's wave, but surely he could've still had a role via video link or skype. Or Blanche could have come for a holiday with the one o'clock club while he was sailing round Tamworth. Instead, the writers have forced him back to the marriage of convenience and a life more thwarted than ever - ah, poor Ken.

Coronation Street: 1 May 2009

Chaos might be all around in Coronation Street at the moment, but Norris had the best line. No, none of us wanted to picture Kirk's Nuts on Roy's doormat, and although it might seem trivial given Rita's breakdown he was right to sort that out immediately.

Eastenders: 30 April 2009

For the second episode running Heather, has been the star of the last minute cliffhanger. First it was the asthma attack on Tuesday, and last night it was the cancer scare or is she pregnant or should she have been wearing a sports bra while jogging whodunnit. Tonight's episode will probably revolve around her taking a day trip to Beachey Head and slipping, and that will be her third cliffhanger. On Monday night, she will take a trip up West, as Eastenders people do sometimes, and decide to go up Big Ben. By convoluted means she will end up on the outside of the clock face and be gripping on to one of the hands (you know, like Harold Lloyd) just before the dreaded theme tune closes the scene. After that, who knows, but she will probably be ok.

The Apprentice: Week 6, 29 April 2008

The Quiet Man of The Apprentice (Noorul) and Debra were brought back into the boardroom this week by the leader of leaders, Ben. Most of us might have thought that Debra would be 'you're fired' for daring to speak down to Nick, or Ben for not being a good leader, but no - Noorul has gone for being too passive, and for not selling the skeleton for more money. 

Eastenders: 28 April 2009

It's not bad enough the unsuspecting viewers had to witness the untimely death of Danielle, or so the producers seem to think, now we have to watch Heather suffer from an asthma attack. The clues were there, as she had been reaching for the inhaler more in the last few episodes than she has in the past few years, but, bam, last night she collapsed in the square not far from Arthur's seat and left us all in misery. Thank you Eastenders for ruining my night yet again.

The Secret Millionaire - in Hull

Why didn't anybody tell me he was coming here?

The Apprentice: Week 5, 22 April 2009

The idea this week was to set up a marketing campaign and the team that came up with Pantsman to sell breakfast cereal was, unsurpisingly, the losing one. So, leader Kimberly took Lorraine and Philip back into the boardroom and she (Kimberly) ended up fired, dismissed and sent off in disgrace. Well, she was fired, and like everyone else before her said how unfair it all was in the taxi-ride-home interview.

Eastenders: 21 April 2009

Eastenders was at its most annoying when it was revealed at the end of last night's ordeal that Zainab had been arranging to meet her long-lost son and wasn't having an affair. Were any viewers surprised, at all, to discover her husband had been wrong and Bob, after all, was an alias? Oh dear.

Hell's Kitchen: 21 April 2009

Grant Bovey is the latest to be sacked by Marco, and Anthea hid in the kitchen to listen to the bad news. The people on this show don't half take it seriously and if you didn't know any better you'd think Grant had been condemned to Devil's Island for life imprisonment after seeing how distraught Anthea was on having to say goodbye (for about a week). While we're on the subject, what is it about Marco and cooks like him that induce so much grovelling in 'ordinary' people (ie people who aren't as good at cooking)? Yes Marco, no Marco, three bags full Marco.

Hell's Kitchen: 19 April 2009

Watching Grant Bovey and Anthea Turner lord it over Jody (Lip of Shameless) as he persevered with his abject apologies, and they kept refusing to accept them, was almost enough to make me vomit. Not quite, fortunately, but Jody, if she ever wants you to apologise again please don't do it - remember the nation is watching and you are our spokesman. Courage mon brave.

The Apprentice: Week Four 15 April 2009

The challenge to create and sell bath products proved too much for ... whatsername ... Paula. Well, Siralan fired her because he thought she should be able to do sums if she wants a job in business. I would have put money on one of her two costings experts, Ben or Yasmina, getting the heave ho, but they survive to embarrass themselves for another day at least.

The North-South Divide: 9 April 2009

This programme had a difficult agenda to fulfill because while John Harris was demonstrating there is such a thing as a north-south divide, where those in the north have a comparatively worse standard of living, he also wanted to show it isn't that grim and places like Hull are worth investing in.

I wish he'd have gone further, though, and asked why there is such a striking difference in numbers in people going to higher education in some parts of the country than others, and why some areas are always at the bottom of the education league tables. I couldn't help wondering if he'd been given a remit to be temperate rather than angry especially as he refrained from shouting out those southerners who think all the 'talent' of the country is or should be concentrated on the periphery of Cambridge.

The Apprentice: Week Three 8 April 2009

This week, James the team leader led his team to defeat and Ben looks set to be the annoying one that stays for a while to boost the viewing figures. Meanwhile, Maj was told 'you're fired' for not doing very much. The set task entailed the teams designing and flogging (that is, selling) a piece of home-gym equipment and the losers' product looked a little like a small coffin. Understandably this was not seen as appealing, as the customers would be trying to stave off thinking about such things.

The other team leader, Debra, demonstrated she has the people skills of Ghenghis Khan and this will no doubt stand her in good stead with Siralan. How depressing to see yet another woman on the show who equates being powerful with being bossy and overly controlling.  

The Secret Millionaire in Aberfan

It's good to see The Secret Millionaire back on our screens and this could be a cure for depression if it wasn't for the fact that it makes the viewers cry so much. It reminds us there are lots of kind people in Britain who volunteer to help others and not everyone is out to make quick buck. As far as I could see the format was always successful, so I can't understand why the producers have decided to reveal in the trailers how much is given away. I wish they would trust to the original idea of keeping us guessing and have faith in the viewers' ability to have an attention span longer than a goldfish.

Eastenders: 2 April 2009

Soap weddings never do go according to plan and it's not a surprise (with this being Eastenders) that Peggie and Archie's was downright disastrous. Not only did the truth-teller Danielle finally tell Ronnie she is her long lost daughter - which caused much angst and disbelief, apparently - and reveal grandad was a liar, she also got hit by a car. Oh My God. Did it never cross the producers' minds to try something else apart from melodrama? It could have only been more exaggerated if Wellard had risen from the dead and been the one to drive the car into her.

Apprentice: Week Two 1 April 2009

Alas, poor Rocky, we didn't know him very well and now he's been fired. Good guys don't win seems to be the message this week, especially ones who think a themed buffet drawing on the Olympics 2012 is a good idea for a bunch of lawyers who probably have no interest in the Olympics. Another lesson learned: keep the costs down at all costs.

Eastenders: 31 March 2009

If Archie is as evil as we are led to believe, surely he could have killed Danielle last night and put us all out of our misery. The dramatic tension in this storyline is as saggy as my knicker elastic and if and when Danielle does manage to tell Ronnie that she is her long lost daughter I only hope they decide to set up home somewhere far far away. Never in the history of soap has a secret being kept for so long and if the producers think this is in anyway keeping us riveted, or even interested, they should check out the definition of contrived.

Coronation Street: 30 March 2009

As wonderfully dramatic as the fire was in last night's Coronation Street, I think the producers missed a few tricks. If only little Simon had let Leanne (the rabbit) out to play, the dramatic tension would have increased ten-fold if he'd have had to chase after it as well as waking up his drunken father, ringing the fire brigade to report it and ringing Grandma Deirdre to find out his address.

While we're on the subject of the fire, I couldn't help thinking it took an awfully long time to take hold. From the moment Peter fell asleep and left the brown rug smouldering with his dropped lit cigarette, Deirdre had time to moan about Ken (which always takes forever), have a bath and then moan some more. Furthermore, why was the fire only in little patches on the rug? Surely it would have gone up quicker than that. It's not that I wanted the Barlow clan to be decimated anymore than it has been, but isn't this giving out the wrong message to arsonists?

The Apprentice: Episode One 25 March 2009

With the first task, of setting up a one day cleaning business, it was difficult to spot an eventual winner, but it was pretty clear early on who would be leaving if the women's team lost. Anita proved to be too nice or not very good depending on your point of view and yes, she was fired.

The question always arises with these early 'losers' as to whether they have ever seen the show before. Contestants have to pretend to be ruthless and be prepared to squabble it out in the boardroom - even I know this - and if you find such behaviour demeaning you are probably on the wrong show.

Coronation Street: 23 March 2009

Last night's Coronation Street left us with a few unanswered questions:

1. Which cleaning product did Deirdre use to remove the piccalili stain?

2. Is Natasha in the MI5 and only pretending to be a mediocre hairdresser?

3. Who is Curious George?

If anyone has the correct answer or answers, they get to watch Chris Moyles show next week for free (on their own television).

Chris Moyles' Quiz Night: First Episode

If you ever need to heed advice then this is the time. Please do not watch the Chris Moyles' Quiz Night as it will be bad for your health. It will cause you to feel nauseous and you will suffer from the embarrassment that this man is incapable of experiencing. The audience laughed at his 'how heterosexual am I' jokes and we not only heard this, but also the sound of the death knell reminding us that Channel Four must be ready for its coffin if this is anything to go by.

Dancing on Ice the Final: 22 March 2009

It's perhaps no surprise whatsoever, but I may as well tell you anyway: Ray won the final. Donal came second, which wasn't such a sure bet, and, therefore, Jessica came third and was a bit tearful that she didn't get to 'do' the Bolero (rather than wear one).

Paris Hilton's British Best Friend: The Final

After many weeks of waiting nervously, the nation can relax as Paris has chosen her new BB friend. He is Sam and his friendship should be seen as a form of bravery as he lays himself on the line so none of us have to. Sam, we salute you and your courage and hope you don't have to do too much (high) maintenance.

Coronation Street: 18 March 2009

At last, Becky and Steve went off on their honeymoon to probably live happily never after - but that's ok. Even the contrived appearance of Lloyd and Liz at the restaurant was acceptable by my high standards, and was palatable even as Liz and Becky traded insults. The only fly in the ointment, and let's face it there is always at least one, was seeing Liz smile about her beloved (son) going off on his pre-honeymoon. I would have preferred her to have held on to the bumper as Hayley drove them away, or at least screamed some more put downs. 

Eastenders: 16 March 2009

Eastenders went beyond the usual hand-holding last night, as when they warn us about what will happen next, to shouting through a loud hailer and shining great big neon lights on the plot. This came most obviously when Heather put on the radio microphone - you know, the one she made a big deal about buying over the internet - and put it in place just as Minty had the promised 'word' with her that he had been meaning to have all day. He couldn't possibly have spoken to her sooner, or so we are led to believe, and had to wait to build up his courage (and for her mike to be in place) before she could confuse his latest rejection of her with him plighting his troth. This programme is achieving what I thought was impossible: it is starting to make Waterloo Road look good

Dancing on Ice Week 10: Semi-Final 15 March 2009

Colleen and Donal were in the skate-off this week, and the outcome might be what you expected. The judges voted to save Donal unanimously, and Colleen looked quite relieved. Next week is the final - where they get to fly and and do the bolero and Ray will probably win. It is open to the public vote, though, so maybe not ...

Comic Relief: 13 March 2009

Why don't the people behind Comic Relief just cut out the middle man and get the likes of Simon Cowell, Jonathan Ross, Bono and Robbie Williams to stump up half of one percent of their earnings for a year? This will save us all having to listen to them guilt-tripping those less well-off into parting with their cash, and we might get to watch the programmes we like on a Friday night instead of this cobbled-together baloney. How these guys in particular think it is ok to ask the public to donate money just because they have given up their supposedly precious time is absolutely beyond me.

Red Riding: Part Two

Apologies for last week's Red Riding post. It was set in 1974 (so not 1975 or 1976), and it was cloudy then. Last night's episode was based around the hunt for the Yorkshire Ripper and it reminded me how thousands of women rang up to say it could be a man they knew. Going by the evidence, I guess most of these must have been married to policemen. I can't help wondering how the West Yorkshire force are taking the news that they were inept, corrupt and murderous - or if they are seeing this all as poetic license in the name of art.

Eastenders: 12 March 2009

Amidst all the now usual surreal storylines, where Ian has to make friends with Tanya and ends up groping her and Jane looks set to have yet another affair (but who can blame her?), Billy's realisation that Honey doesn't want him anymore was actually moving. I think they made a bit too much about his adored shrine, though, as its only been in place for about two weeks so he can't be that attached to it. I just wish he could be given at least a shred of happiness after years of losing out to everyone else. Perhaps he could find a fiver in the square; at least that might cheer him (and us) up for a while.

Coronation Street: 9 March 2009

Yesterday, the best circus act was in town for one night only - hope you all rolled up, rolled up to see the incredible Imploding Family Platt. One secret after another was thrown about like an insult and it was like pass the parcel at one point (parcel bomb though) as each one tried to top the other. Bliss.

Meanwhile Blanche and little Simon continue to upstage the rest of the Barlows. Blanche has easily the best, campest lines and even when she is innocently reading a magazine she gets to exclaim about somebody's nasty gash. What with references to Howard's Way and Ken's guilty-looking face, this was almost as good as the Platt meltdown. I hope the writers will keep David and Gail locked in this bizarre relationship until he's at least fifty to prove hell really is other people. 

Dancing on Ice Week 9: 8 March 2009

It's getting closer to the final and Colleen is still in the running. Last night, the skate-off was between Blue Peter Zoe and Jessica, and Jessica got sent home. Both were told they shouldn't have been in the last two, implying Colleen should have been, but the ghosts of John Sergeant and Todd Carty mean they can't be TOO cruel to the underdog.