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Coronation Street: 30 March 2009

As wonderfully dramatic as the fire was in last night's Coronation Street, I think the producers missed a few tricks. If only little Simon had let Leanne (the rabbit) out to play, the dramatic tension would have increased ten-fold if he'd have had to chase after it as well as waking up his drunken father, ringing the fire brigade to report it and ringing Grandma Deirdre to find out his address.

While we're on the subject of the fire, I couldn't help thinking it took an awfully long time to take hold. From the moment Peter fell asleep and left the brown rug smouldering with his dropped lit cigarette, Deirdre had time to moan about Ken (which always takes forever), have a bath and then moan some more. Furthermore, why was the fire only in little patches on the rug? Surely it would have gone up quicker than that. It's not that I wanted the Barlow clan to be decimated anymore than it has been, but isn't this giving out the wrong message to arsonists?

The Apprentice: Episode One 25 March 2009

With the first task, of setting up a one day cleaning business, it was difficult to spot an eventual winner, but it was pretty clear early on who would be leaving if the women's team lost. Anita proved to be too nice or not very good depending on your point of view and yes, she was fired.

The question always arises with these early 'losers' as to whether they have ever seen the show before. Contestants have to pretend to be ruthless and be prepared to squabble it out in the boardroom - even I know this - and if you find such behaviour demeaning you are probably on the wrong show.

Coronation Street: 23 March 2009

Last night's Coronation Street left us with a few unanswered questions:

1. Which cleaning product did Deirdre use to remove the piccalili stain?

2. Is Natasha in the MI5 and only pretending to be a mediocre hairdresser?

3. Who is Curious George?

If anyone has the correct answer or answers, they get to watch Chris Moyles show next week for free (on their own television).

Chris Moyles' Quiz Night: First Episode

If you ever need to heed advice then this is the time. Please do not watch the Chris Moyles' Quiz Night as it will be bad for your health. It will cause you to feel nauseous and you will suffer from the embarrassment that this man is incapable of experiencing. The audience laughed at his 'how heterosexual am I' jokes and we not only heard this, but also the sound of the death knell reminding us that Channel Four must be ready for its coffin if this is anything to go by.

Dancing on Ice the Final: 22 March 2009

It's perhaps no surprise whatsoever, but I may as well tell you anyway: Ray won the final. Donal came second, which wasn't such a sure bet, and, therefore, Jessica came third and was a bit tearful that she didn't get to 'do' the Bolero (rather than wear one).

Paris Hilton's British Best Friend: The Final

After many weeks of waiting nervously, the nation can relax as Paris has chosen her new BB friend. He is Sam and his friendship should be seen as a form of bravery as he lays himself on the line so none of us have to. Sam, we salute you and your courage and hope you don't have to do too much (high) maintenance.

Coronation Street: 18 March 2009

At last, Becky and Steve went off on their honeymoon to probably live happily never after - but that's ok. Even the contrived appearance of Lloyd and Liz at the restaurant was acceptable by my high standards, and was palatable even as Liz and Becky traded insults. The only fly in the ointment, and let's face it there is always at least one, was seeing Liz smile about her beloved (son) going off on his pre-honeymoon. I would have preferred her to have held on to the bumper as Hayley drove them away, or at least screamed some more put downs. 

Eastenders: 16 March 2009

Eastenders went beyond the usual hand-holding last night, as when they warn us about what will happen next, to shouting through a loud hailer and shining great big neon lights on the plot. This came most obviously when Heather put on the radio microphone - you know, the one she made a big deal about buying over the internet - and put it in place just as Minty had the promised 'word' with her that he had been meaning to have all day. He couldn't possibly have spoken to her sooner, or so we are led to believe, and had to wait to build up his courage (and for her mike to be in place) before she could confuse his latest rejection of her with him plighting his troth. This programme is achieving what I thought was impossible: it is starting to make Waterloo Road look good

Dancing on Ice Week 10: Semi-Final 15 March 2009

Colleen and Donal were in the skate-off this week, and the outcome might be what you expected. The judges voted to save Donal unanimously, and Colleen looked quite relieved. Next week is the final - where they get to fly and and do the bolero and Ray will probably win. It is open to the public vote, though, so maybe not ...

Comic Relief: 13 March 2009

Why don't the people behind Comic Relief just cut out the middle man and get the likes of Simon Cowell, Jonathan Ross, Bono and Robbie Williams to stump up half of one percent of their earnings for a year? This will save us all having to listen to them guilt-tripping those less well-off into parting with their cash, and we might get to watch the programmes we like on a Friday night instead of this cobbled-together baloney. How these guys in particular think it is ok to ask the public to donate money just because they have given up their supposedly precious time is absolutely beyond me.

Red Riding: Part Two

Apologies for last week's Red Riding post. It was set in 1974 (so not 1975 or 1976), and it was cloudy then. Last night's episode was based around the hunt for the Yorkshire Ripper and it reminded me how thousands of women rang up to say it could be a man they knew. Going by the evidence, I guess most of these must have been married to policemen. I can't help wondering how the West Yorkshire force are taking the news that they were inept, corrupt and murderous - or if they are seeing this all as poetic license in the name of art.

Eastenders: 12 March 2009

Amidst all the now usual surreal storylines, where Ian has to make friends with Tanya and ends up groping her and Jane looks set to have yet another affair (but who can blame her?), Billy's realisation that Honey doesn't want him anymore was actually moving. I think they made a bit too much about his adored shrine, though, as its only been in place for about two weeks so he can't be that attached to it. I just wish he could be given at least a shred of happiness after years of losing out to everyone else. Perhaps he could find a fiver in the square; at least that might cheer him (and us) up for a while.

Coronation Street: 9 March 2009

Yesterday, the best circus act was in town for one night only - hope you all rolled up, rolled up to see the incredible Imploding Family Platt. One secret after another was thrown about like an insult and it was like pass the parcel at one point (parcel bomb though) as each one tried to top the other. Bliss.

Meanwhile Blanche and little Simon continue to upstage the rest of the Barlows. Blanche has easily the best, campest lines and even when she is innocently reading a magazine she gets to exclaim about somebody's nasty gash. What with references to Howard's Way and Ken's guilty-looking face, this was almost as good as the Platt meltdown. I hope the writers will keep David and Gail locked in this bizarre relationship until he's at least fifty to prove hell really is other people. 

Dancing on Ice Week 9: 8 March 2009

It's getting closer to the final and Colleen is still in the running. Last night, the skate-off was between Blue Peter Zoe and Jessica, and Jessica got sent home. Both were told they shouldn't have been in the last two, implying Colleen should have been, but the ghosts of John Sergeant and Todd Carty mean they can't be TOO cruel to the underdog. 

Red Riding: 5 March 2009

Honestly, it was sunny in the north in the 1970s especially in 1975 and 1976 but Red Riding was more concerned with police corruption than the weather. Fair enough I suppose.

Paris Hilton's British Best Friend

This has to be the strangest but most likely evolutionary outcome of reality shows as Paris searches for her best friend and there is no irony on display throughout the full five hours of each episode (it's an hour, it just feels like five hours, I was trying to be ironic). To be her best friend you have to a) dress according to her tastes - because you're her best friend and she gets to call the shots. b) be able to flirt but not in a slutty way c) be prepared to be her 'pet' at some point and be pleased about this. For those not in the know, being a pet involves spending quality time with her and grassing up the other housemates. The lengths some people are prepared to travel to be on t.v. have surely reached their limits by now unless someone comes up with the better idea of being Paris Hilton's Worst Enemy.

Coronation Street: 6 March 2009

Joan of Arc might not have worn a tracksuit or smoked ciggies, as Liz argued, but that doesn't mean Beckie's wedding day next week (Friday 13th) shouldn't go ahead. It's not looking likely at the moment, given the date, the trailers and the fact that this is soap. In other news, Peter was found out to be a two-timing rat, again, and dad Ken is reminding us where he gets it from. Ooh, can't wait for Ken to get caught out. Here's hoping Eccles learns to communicate the news to Blanche via stamping his paws.  

Coronation Street: 2 March 2009

Janice Battersby has at last been released from her one-dimensional bitchy role as she tries to 'improve herself' and last night must have been one of the more moving scenes this character has been involved in. See - I do know they aren't real people. Her dispute with Roarsie couldn't have been better handled and I only hope we get to see her be a nurse eventually (although there is the chance she could be turned into a Ratched I suppose).

Dancing on Ice: Week 8 1 March 2009

It's not that much fun anymore, now Todd's gone, but for those who still want to know --- Roxy of Emmerdale and Zoe of Blue Peter were in the skate-off and Roxy was booted off. They were both very understanding and polite about Colleen being put through by the phone-in vote, so it was all well-behaved and just a little bit boring.