tellyjelly

Eastenders: 26 February 2009

We're expected to believe a lot when we watch soaps: that a group of Metallica fans would descend on the Rovers Return when Becky is working alone, or that Maria is now sympathetic toward Tony Gordon (in Coronation Street of course). As ever, Eastenders has to go that step further and venture into what can only be described as surrealism. I'm referring to the impossible expectation that we the viewers could possibly ever believe ... that Ian Beale is preparing to 'celebrate' his fortieth birthday. He has been fifty for at least twenty years, and yet here he is having a mid-life crisis when he should be having a party for the fact that he now gets his telly licence for free. This is just too much. I can just about accept that Patrick is ashamed of being caught up in a riot (fifty years ago, when Ian first set up the fruit and veg stall), but Ian being forty, never.

University Challenge: The Final 2009

The celebration of knowing nothing continues as Ms Trimble makes the news for being an intelligent woman. Hold the front page - she not he knows lots of things. The same news item also reported how there is a Facebook group for members to express how much they hate her. So let's get this right: she isn't a rich footballer or an X-Factor wannabe, she isn't married to a footballer, isn't that glamorous, but is knowledgeable about arts based subjects, so that's enough to inspire some to want to vent their anger against her?  

Coronation Street: 23 February 2009

Ken has been acting suspiciously for a few weeks now, and this includes taking poor little-legs Eccles out for five hour walks, but it has gone unnoticed until he made the mistake of buying wine in the corner shop. Blanche is worried he might be taking up novel writing again, because we all know the effect that had on him last time (for those who haven't kept up with the action, he became an alcoholic in the course of a week) but we the viewers know Stephanie Beecham of the Barge is his latest distraction. Will he or won't he sail away with her to Manchester? My guess is he'll stay in Wetherfield and have one more thwarted ambition to add to his list. Even though Stephanie makes his favourite leek and potato soup and Deirdre just opens a can, he is stuck in Coronation Street forever.

A Very British Storm Junkie v Paparazzi: Next Generation

Having too much time on my hands, and in search of a hobbie, chasing storms or chasing celebrities seemed like viable ideas. Both of these past times look quite exciting from afar, but I think, on the whole, I'd rather be a storm junkie. The third option would be acting as Shirley's stunt double on Eastenders, as I would get to leap over a wall belonging to a neighbour of George Michael's, and have the chance to wear an ill-fitting blonde wig. But no, storm chasing it is. You meet friendly people who don't care what the rest of society thinks - including loved ones - and you go abroad a lot. The paparazzi lifestyle isn't nearly so glamorous, unless you count taking photos of famous people, and the job amounts to being a paid stalker of people who, frankly, aren't that interesting. Jude Law, need I say more?

Coronation Street: 9 February 2009

If only Uncle Len Windass hadn't shouted EVERY SINGLE ONE OF HIS LINES in last night's show, I might have still had intact eardrums. It's time for Gail to lend Joe some money so he can buy some polyfilla to fill that almighty gob. While we're on the subject of the Windass family, do they have to be such hateful creations? We've have seen this before of course, and the Battersbys became likeable in the end we know, but I wish the writers would give them at least some redeeming characteristics apart from Eddie being able to bake fairy cakes.

Dancing on Ice Week Five: 8 Feb 2009

Alas, poor Todd has been evicted, er voted off, and Ellery lives to skate another day. I'm quite surprised Todd wasn't rescued by the viewers given the popularity of his routines, but the writing was perhaps on the wall once Torville and Dean decided to drop the intentional comedy. Here's to hoping he'll be on this year's Strictly Come Dancing.

Saturday Night Viewing: Total Wipeout

For those of us who remember It's A Knockout, Total Wipeout is like its poor relation because the contestants don't get to wear ridiculous costumes and we don't get to hear Stuart Hall's laugh. The selling points comes, though, in the impossibility of the course (namely getting across the big red balls - honestly) and the fact it is made in Argentina. Both of these details lend the programme an air of mystery that has been sadly lacking on the BBC's Saturday night telly schedule.

Thankfully, Your Country Needs You has finally been put out of its and our misery after they found the winning entry for this year's Eurovision Song Contest. We always knew this would be a flawed project when they said the Lloyd Webber magic would stop us coming bottom. We didn't even need the nil point prediction from the patron saint of t.v. viewers everywhere (Harry Hill) because we got to see where Lloyd Webber was coming from when he went begging cap in hand to the 'tricky customer' Putin to ask him to secure more votes for Britain. I would never expect Lloyd Webber to match Jeremy Paxman, say, or even a Barbie doll, in political astuteness, but surely even he knows about Putin's record on human rights.  Shame on you - what next, having tea with Mugabe to discuss the weather?

Coronation Street: 4 February 2009

I wonder if Carla has finally got the message that her husband is, how can I put it, not to be trusted? It always was a fraught relationship given that his ex insisted that he is violent/frightening/stalkerish/controlling etc and she didn't even know about his murrderrous side. It could be then that his plan to have Maria carted off for an indeterminate length of time has failed, so far anyway, which is good for my peace of my mind (but a bit of a shame too). On a brighter note, though, Carla might turn him into a handbag as she memorably promised to do to Rosie if she ever crossed her again.

Dancing on Ice Week Four: 1 Feb 2009

The unsinkable Todd Carty got through another week without facing the skate-off - which is only right and proper. His routine wasn't quite as exciting this week, or hilarious, but like Ray he did have a lot to live up to. Michael Underwood, he of the broken ankle last year, and Melinda Messenger were least favoured by the viewers and he ending up getting the chop. At least this means we won't have to hear about his injury any more or any time soon.