tellyjelly

Coronation Street: 30 January 2009

Could this be the downfall of Tony Gordon appearing over the horizon, or time for Carla to be his next victim? Now she's spotted the scars on Jed Stone's neck, and putting two and two together etc, It looks like we might finally have some resolution and people will stop saying how wonderful he is, and how mad Maria is. Hopefully, she won't be carted before any of this happens because my nerves can't take this storyline anymore. There's not enough vitamin B in the world to help us cope with the possibility of this injustice, so writers do the right thing, but please let Tony bump off a few more of the black-haired gang before he gets caught.

Eastenders: 27 January 2009

At last, Janine has found the money underneath her dead, stuffed pussy and for the non-viewers this is not a euphemism. She really has got a dead, stuffed pussy that was bequeathed to her by the man who was going to be her husband. It is all somewhat complicated, and frankly if you can't be bothered to watch this I'm not sure if you deserve an explanation. For the troopers and die-hards among us, you know what I mean.

Technology is improving on Albert Square now. All you have to do, apparently, is open a laptop and lo and behold you find Janine on the screen with a petrol can in hand, or you can listen to her double dealing. What a great invention.

Dancing on Ice Week Three: Todd Carty

Seeing Todd Carty 'skate' off down the tunnel as part of his routine to 'Help!' has to be one of the best clips of this or any other series. To see it again, and again and again follow the link:

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=TLIMOvAksRg

Celebrity Big Brother 2009: Ulrika the Winner

Forget the grassy knoll and the Paris tunnel - Ulrika won Celebrity Big Brother 2009. This is more than a shock; it's unbelievable and unlikely. I've nothing else to say on the matter except I want my money back (from voting for anyone but her).

Eastenders: 22 January 2009

After watching Eastenders last night, I came away thinking I could have done something more meaningful with my time like walk around the world five times or memorise my times tables up to a thousand, or sleep. It has taken at least five years for the scriptwriters to finally reveal that little Dotty is up to no good and takes after her dad, Fagin. Oh, and Janine is going to cause trouble for Ronnie as former policeman Jack can see no harm in her. Janine is sooo manipulative that even he falls for her supposed charm; well, that's what we're supposed to think.

I feel as tired as the scripts after sitting through this half-hour and can only hope tonight's episode will be magnificent. The writers should stop cashing in on soap addicts having no free will and do the decent thing; that is, make it interesting.

Dodi Al-fayed: What Really Happened

Jacques Peretti's series looked at Paul Burrell's life last week and kept up the connection with Diana in last night's episode about Dodi. The title 'what really happened' implies a tabloid hatchet job, but the treatment of Dodi was mostly fair even if it was at times compromised by not going further into his background. It should be applauded, though, for being the first programme in living memory to understand that despite the control his father might have had over his life, he will also always be grieving for his son.  

Celebrity Big Brother: La Toya and Tommy get the boot

At last my prediction has come true - that Tommy and La Toya get voted off. Ok, strictly speaking I thought they would be voted off first, but I hadn't taken into account how strange some of the women would be this year. I also didn't realise that Tina was Mimi in all but name, and as she said herself Tony Soprano in a frock. This is not necessarily an insult, as Tony Soprano is worth aspiring to ... if you want to intimidate people. I also think the 'biting the toenails while talking to Ulrika' scene played another part in her downfall and suggest future BB contestants avoid repeating the same mistake.

Celebrity Big Brother: Michelle Evicted

Tina went on Friday and left us wondering whether she is a good actress or has been playing herself all along in Shameless. Either way, she must be glad to be back with Patrick and the boys. Last night it was Michelle's turn to go and to be fair to her she didn't seem too bitter about Coolio, well, not much. On the same subject (of Coolio and Michelle), I can't believe they edited out the part of the 'would you rather game..' when he asked her if she would rather have a squirrel live in her womb for a year or a dog shit in her womb for a week. We all want to know the answer.  

Dancing on Ice: Graeme Le Saux the First to Go

It looks like we could have a pretender to the John Sergeant throne as Tucker Jenkins (aka Todd Carty) escaped the send-off thanks to the generosity of the phone voters. One of the judges said how moving it was to watch him try, which was true strangely enough. The nasty judge Jason said Tucker looked like he'd had a (bowel) movement in his undies, and this was sufficiently acerbic to save our man for at least five more weeks. Meanwhile, Graeme gets the old heave ho and is the first of hopefully many that fail to impress despite being better.

Life of Riley: First Episode

This is a belated response to Life of Riley because I'm just getting over the trauma. The title gave me a warning about how bad it would be and the trailers showing the 'funny bits' weren't funny - bearing in mind this is a comedy, it didn't have the best welcome mat laid out. It has to be seen to be believed, though, so I thought I'd be brave and watch it for research purposes. 

The most amazing thing about it is that it got commissioned in the first place. There. I've said it. And if there are any fans out there, please be offended as you seriously should see the doctor to find out if you've got a funny bone. Two parents, three step-children and one baby; jokes you can see and hear coming a mile off. Still, it pays the mortgage.

Surviving Gazza

This was uncomfortable viewing at its worst and I can't help thinking the film makers were irresponsible to broadcast a 12 year old speaking so abruptly about his father. I only hope that when he is older he does not berate himself too much for saying what he said on film, and remembers that a supervising adult (who has some distance on this situation) should have intervened to make sure this did not go on public record.

Coronation Street and Eastenders: 5 January 2008

Coronation Street, I knew you wouldn't let me down. It was the best episode of the year last night with Liz hiding behind a chair while Steve stole her best lines. His objections to Lloyd sleeping with his mother have to be the most original but stomach churning ones we have had the privilege of hearing (that he came out from between those legs) and so the mummy's boy did good. Once he gets over these initial difficulties he might see that Lloyd would make a good step-father, and perhaps he could take him to the park.

While we're on the subjects of soaps, again, Eastenders came a close second and if you prefer crying to laughing it would be the outright winner. My only problem with it was the way they signal someone has left the house by showing us an open door. Firstly, it is January and they are letting the heating out. Secondly, burglars could get in very easily and so the producers are being irresponsible letting this air before the watershed. Thirdly, surely there are other ways of indicating that Lauren and Jean have left their houses. They could show footprints leading to the door, or a strand of wool could be spotted (by Max or Stacie) where a scarf was caught as they left. Or, somebody could ring the concerned member of the family to let them know their loved one has left the house. Apart from this, though, it was v. moving especially when arch villain Janine reclaimed Terence the dog and made little Tiffany cry.

Celebrity Big Brother: Day One

It seems to me like there's a lot of borrowing going on in Celebrity Big Brother and it's only day one. La Toya is wearing Michael's face and Davina has resurrected Pete Burn's dead gorilla coat. While we're on the subject, why can't they evoke good memories from the past instead of forcing us to look at these uncomfortable things?

It is far too early to say who might win or who will go out first because as ever I will be proven wrong - ok, I'll put myself on the line one last time and I mean it one last time. To win: the boy from the boy band who will remain nameless until I can remember it but I will have forgotten it again by the time I come to type it. To go first: it's between Tommy and La Toya I reckon (for now, but one of them will probably win it going by my track record).