tellyjelly

Big Brother's Maysoon: Another one escapes

At the end of last night's Big Brother the viewers were told that bets are now off on Maysoon as she has left of her own accord - and nobody made her. Remember, though, it is still possible to vote for LUKE as this has not changed the eviction process.

Saying that, he was quite funny last night especially when he and Lisa had to identify Rex's girlfriend from a line up of men and women. It was even better when they unwittingly picked the wrong one and told Rex later that she was the most beautiful. According to Lisa, one of the other women looked a bit common (not knowing this was the right one) and could be found in any night club. I don't know why Lisa felt obliged to mention this, but it's possible she might live to regret it.

Big Brother Nominations: Nine to choose from

Luke and Dale managed to be repellent enough to secure their place in the play-offs for eviction, and seven are to join them after they talked about nominations in code. This code wasn't too difficult to work out as Luke, for example, was referred to as Wigan and Rachel as Cardiff (you get the picture).

As well as Luke and Dale, you can also vote for Darnell, Kat, Maysoon, Mo, Rachel, Rex and Stuart. Despite the greater than usual choice, I predict it could be Luke's week for selling himself to the tabloids and being hilarious on Big Brother's Big Mouth.

Lisa is one of the few to escape the public vote and this will give her more time to invent strange stories. Last night she joked she has a friend who helped discover DNA, but more unbelievably she told Mikey that all the men in the house made a move on her in the first week - including Dennis.

Big Brother's Rachel

The heavenly housemates were given the privilege of seeing the audition tapes of the others and they were flabbergasted that Rachel came across as though she was trying to impress the selectors. I presume the viewers were more flabbergasted that Rex was so bothered and that he even described her as acting like a sex kitten on it. When he isn't spending all his time in his restaurants, and watching the racing with royalty, he must live the life of a nun and I don't mean he sings hymns everyday. Amazingly, Dale got less flak for his even though he did a good impersonation of Chubby Brown. Ooh, and he also said he would stab the others in the back for the 100 grand - I wonder if he'll now be as unpopular as he was hoping for?

Big Brother: Stuart the new head of house

It'll be good to see how the hellish ones get on this week with eight of them crammed into B Block. Because Dale and Luke are in danger of tripping over their bottom lips, and even they might have an inkling that they aren't going to be THAT popular when they get out, it looks a dead cert that a tiff might arise over their annoyance at Mohamed and Darnell staying over beloved Bex.

Stuart's the new head of house due to his chilli eating skills, and because of the lack of them in most of the other housemates. He and Dale earlier accused Maysoon of being boring, so he will undoubtedly continue to be enthralling as the leader. Well, i'm convinced he'll be at least as interesting as Dale was.

Big Brother: Heartbroken Luke(?)

Kenneth Williams and Rex Harrison, sorry, Luke and Rex had a mini-spat in last night's show as Luke's poor me and poor Rebecca routine sounded awfully like toys being thrown out of a pram. If only Rex hadn't told him to stop calling people behind their backs, though, as this could mean the end of Luke's marathon seven week bitching session. He could become a reformed character and ... but then again this isn't very likely. He is convinced Bex was ousted with 33.4% of the vote so sure is he of her (and his) popularity. This point alone signifies how much the British university education system needs overhauling - never mind Rachel's general lack of general knowledge.

Big Brother: Bex's eviction

At last, Bex (Rebecca the Coventry One) has been evicted and the non-believers have proof that there is a God. Luke has been separated from the other half of his double act and you only have to remember what happened to Mike and Bernie Winters to know this should be disastrous for him. It could be time for him to bring out Schnorbitz in a last gasp attempt to be as popular as he and Channel 4 thought he would be (see the trailers he does for Big Brother's Big Mouth).

In the interrogation with Davina, or should I say the love fest where Davina demonstrates her crassness yet again, Bex looked surprised at receiving over 60% of the vote. Yes, I thought it would have been higher, especially after spending so much money voting.

Being Supernice in the Big Brother House

Last night, Rex turned all Sherlock Holmes when he thought he had found out about Rachel's secret identity. According to Bex, Rachel dominated the audition when she met her there and shouted her and everyone else down. It must be true because Bex said 'honestly', and Rex must be smart because he is Rex. The strangest talk came when the heavenly ones decided it's a lot easier to pretend to be nice and pleasant (as they accuse Rachel of doing) than pretending to be nasty like Rex. Let me tell you, it is extremely difficult finding something pleasant to say about some of the housemates and it's far easier and more enjoyable being mean.

Big Brother's Dale

So, Dale didn't give the hellish inmates the snacks and beer last night because he doesn't want to sail through to the final without having faced an eviction. Therefore, he has been confidently assuming that he is so well loved in the house that he has to be this openly hostile to secure the anti-Dale vote. Wrong. The ways things are going he is looking to face an eviction battle with Darnell or Mohamed in the near future anyway, and surely the public will never forget his strange crush on Jen.

Other news: 

What's this about Rachel not knowing Darnell was an albino and that his parents are black? She really should pay more attention in class.

Bex and Luke kiss again, the night she discovers she has been nominated again. Is it possible that they think we are interested in seeing their 'relationship' blossom all the way to a magazine deal? How nice to be so self-confident.

Big Brother Nominations: Bex, Darnell and Mohamed

No prompts are needed this week for who to vote out, but just in case the number to ring is 09016 16 16 13 and remember 10p of every call goes to charity. It will be a shame to split up Luke and Bex because they are such fun and make such good t.v. - well, no, - if this thought has crossed your mind eliminate it immediately and slap yourself around the face as it is merely propaganda (from Luke). I would rather Belinda came round to my house every day for the next year and sang happy birthday to me than watch those two being 'fun' for much longer.

Big Brother's Dale: Has the power gone to his head?

Just when I thought Dale might have mesmerised the viewing public into forgetting his earlier lack of glory - please don't forget his crush on Jen and how he said in his interview tape that he was going to nail any er available woman in the house - he restored my faith in his idiocy last night. Hopefully, the amnesiac spell has been broken after he came over all macho with Mohamed and, fingers crossed, the slack jawed one will NOT win the bloody thing and will NOT even reach the final.

Big Brother's Stuart: Looking for love

Any Stuart fans out there must quake when he keeps confiding in Big Brother about how he came in the house to find a woman who would love him. He's seen the show before, so I can only presume he thinks the likes of Charley and Chanelle are marriage material. It is possible that the combination of high maintenance and low attention span are his thing, or he is the world's worst judge of character. It is probable that the latter is the truest as he also admits to feeling protective over Bex, sees Dale as a friend and listens to Lisa avidly.

Meanwhile, in the Garden of Eden, Kat and Mo broke the rules when they leapt over the fence (sort of anyway) and ate the bananas. They had their possessions removed as a punishment and it  was interesting to see the ecstatic reaction of Luke and Bex at the thought that they might be getting the push (as Mo is still their favourite whipping boy and Kat isn't far behind). 

Hollyoaks

If you think Eastenders is too light and fluffy, you should try watching just one episode of Hollyoaks (or the week's omnibus if you're feeling strong enough) to find some pure misery. Nothing good ever happens to the characters and no wonder they are always giving out helpline numbers, for the widest variety of problems you are ever likely to come across, at the end of every programme.

This week, for example, Jack faked his own death with the encouragement of his wayward gambling son Darren. Jack's foster son, Newt, has an imaginary friend who is psychotic. Myra is still searching for the son she gave up for adoption, and it turns out he is also psychotic. Steph is grieving for Max who expired at the altar a week or so ago, and so the relentless heart-breaking storylines continue. Avid viewers know if anyone does ever experience a moment of joy, it will be that short-lived they will be in despair again by tomorrow. All in all, definitely worth watching if you're feeling too happy.

Big Brother's Belinda Evicted

The bravest cyclist in Big Brother history - Belinda if you didn't know - has now been evicted and is probably being signed up as we speak for the next Christmas number one. Her love of music is second only to the housemates love of packing-up. Who could have thought it would be possible to get that excited about sandwiches even if they have been eating chick peas for a week.

Rex survives again to torment the others with his sarcasm and unfriendly wit - let's hope he stays for the final. That could only be improved upon with a sooner-rather-than-later eviction of Luke. Some of us may have felt a little bit sorry for him when he was ill this week, but true Big Brother fans should bear a grudge, forget the sympathy and remember his back-stabbing ways. It was strange that Stewart compared him to Frank Spencer yesterday, after complaining in yesterday's post that he (ooh Betty) doesn't get enough Air Time, but I refuse to see this as a sign of good fortune for Luke - it is just a coincidence and is not the universe calling him a winner.

Big Brother: Eating and fighting

It was good to see Kat and Rex impersonating Frank Spencer last night as I think he's been overlooked (marginalised even) for far too long - well, since the disappearance of Mike Yarwood. Their failure to rise to the eating challenge was made all the more disappointing when Lisa revealed she used to eat 20 hot dog sausages in one sitting. This is more unbelievable than the alien story, but I'm sure her heart is in the right place (as Mario looks reasonably healthy).

Amazingly, the hellish ones passed the Tour de Grand Frere task and this was without the help of Luke, Bex, Sarah and Belinda. The only time Bex was energetic was when it came to celebrating the end of it. The events of last night were overshadowed, though, with the news that Luke is now a man and is the same age as Bex. So, this means 1) they aren't thirteen and 2) they have both been eligible to vote for a number of years.

Big Brother Awards (so far)

The Bravest Cyclist - Belinda

Most Sarcastic - jointly awarded to Rex, IanM (see comments on Home Page - At Home) and Tellyjelly

Unlikeliest Raconteur, Giving Peter Ustinov a Run for His Money - Lisa and the alien story

Most Likely to Become President Outside of the House - Darnell

Worst Judge of Character on Entering the House - jointly awarded to Dale and Stuart

Most Likely to Never Run a Successful Dance School - Dennis

Big Brother Nominations: Belinda v Rex

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god - we can't vote out Houdini Bex this week leaving us with the unsatisfying choice of Belinda or Rex. If they became a couple, I suppose they could be called Bex and they could double date with Mario and Lisa and listen to their stories about safety in the workplace, body sculpting and visits from aliens - but this still wouldn't make up for the extra week of whine that we have to endure from Coventry's finest export. 

While I'm on the subject of Big Brother related matters, again, how low is Big Brother's Big Mouth going to go before the producers realise it just isn't funny anymore? Comedian Andrew Maxwell was a guest last night and I can only hope he will be sued at some point under the Trade Descriptions Act.

Coronation Street

Just when we thought the workers were safe ages after the timely demise of Mike Baldwin, arch-capitalist Tony Gordon is wheeled out twirling his moustache and swirling his cape. He is of a new breed compared to Mike, though, and isn't prepared to settle for Deirdre Barlow and a riverside flat. His greed has no such provincial limits, but he does seem far too concerned about Kev's garage. Tony is the man who plans to make £10 million in x amount of years (I can't remember how many- but he hasn't got long) and yet he is intent on sticking around in a poxy backstreet factory with five sometimes six machinists. Speaking of which, why haven't they gone on strike over Sean's dismissal? The factory strike happens at least once a year and I'm sure they haven't bothered so far. 

Big Brother and the Decline and Fall of Western Civilization

It's bad enough that trainee schoolteacher Rachel isn't sure if there are 352 or 356 days in a year, but t's even more worrying that politics student Luke cannot understand why Darnell has chosen the model Maysoon to come to Heaven with him. Luke's infatuation for Bex may have dulled his senses temporarily, or, more likely, he might not be astute as he thinks he is.

This time next year the unpleasant bully Bex will have been repackaged as pleasant and will have proven that she is the smartest of the lot when her fitness video and new range of perfume come out a la Jade, because this is surely the one she aspires to be. When Bex said she thought (I should say pretended to think) Gordon Ramsey was the prime minister, and that vulgar meant vulture, she knew she would be on to a winner even if she gets voted out next week.  

Big Brother: House of Parliament

It will be interesting to watch Luke’s best bits when he comes out (which may be sooner than he thinks).  His decline from innocence to scheming, sex-starved megalomaniac would be a fascinating study for a psychoanalyst – I thought it culminated in the kiss, but his election posturing and dismantling of Rebecca’s new bed just showed how much further he has to go.  Austin Powers may need to be called in to deal with this new Dr Evil.  Let’s hope he isn’t elected and given the power he really really craves (no matter what Kat says).

 

First time I’ve noticed Dale’s nervous stutter.  His non-political speech was probably the best, but was as non-committal as it could possibly have been.  I think perhaps he used Rachel as a ghost writer.

 

With no Mario to act as the father figure, as well as the health and safety inspector, it was interesting to see Rebecca manage to pull in so many boys to her toothpaste guerrilla action – although I think that it was all a smokescreen to cover the fact that she just wanted to throw something at Darnell.

 

And finally…now that Belinda has spotted how the house itself is physically capable of being separated in two, let’s hope she doesn’t talk to Lisa about it, because when it splits to become Heaven and Hell, Lisa may feel that she has to prostrate herself before Belinda - the oracle of the Universe.  Well, at least it is better than bowing down before Mario.

 

Written before the election result was broadcast and before the caretaker read the last post!

 

tellyjelly is having a day off

Big Brother's Darnell: Hell is other people

Up to the minute news (as of 3pm Sunday 13 July 2008) - Darnell is the new house president and he has selected his fellow heavenly housemates. It comes as no surprise that he has chosen B Block 9 plus Maysoon and the luxury bedroomers now have to swap places with them. If there is a twist which would mean those in hell (such as Bex and Luke) get to have more fun, I am asking for a refund on my telly licence.

Big Brother: Mario followed his calling

As Lisa predicted, the universe called and Mario answered after over 70% voted for him. Far from this being the win-win situation that I predicted, this has turned out to be a horrible week as the remaining one (Bex, but Mario would have done exactly the same) is left to crow about being 'popular'. She has said that her fans include all of Coventry and other Hanson followers, and she is proud of this. Perhaps it's time to stick my foot through the T.V. screen, rip the plug from the wall and read a good book - or I could wait for Luke to be up for eviction.

Big Brother Evictions

It's tricky choosing between Mario and Bex:

• Mario used to be a magistrate, as well as a facilitator, manager and postman, so he will be mature enough to cope with his eviction.
• On the other hand, his health and safety tips will be missed.
• Bex and Luke are going to form a relationship in the hope that viewers will want to see more of them being together. This is not an accurate perception and the majority of right minded people (who agree with me) will feel nauseous about them dominating anymore air time even if it is just her throwing flour at him.

Is it possible to have a dead heat, then we could have a surprise double eviction?

Big Brother Trouble and Strife: Mario

According to Lisa, the cracks are beginning to show in their relationship and I can't help wondering if elastic bands could be used somehow to help bring them back together again. Mario is such a mine of information about how useful they are, and who would have guessed the dangers of slipping on one until he pointed it out. He could have risen in stature with this nugget, but he had to go and blow it again by being mean and, it has to be said, somewhat jealous that Lisa hasn't been nominated too. At this rate, he's going to get as many votes as Jen and Sylvia and worst of all Bex will think she is popular.

Top Five Annoying Adverts

Top Five Annoying Adverts:

1. The Laughing Cow - far too much squeaking in that kitchen.

2. Foxy Bingo - those who hate this (and you know who you are) don't need it explaining, but Jeremy Kyle should hang his head in shame for having this as a show sponsor

3. Any DFS advert - but don't forget they deliver before Christmas.

4. Argos - I can't resist putting this on the list even if they do have laminated books of dreams.

5. WKD and McCoys Crisps - joint fifth position for the funny boys.

Big Brother Nominations: Mario and Bex

So it's Mario 'don't run with the scissors' Marconi versus Bex in the nominations and at last the viewers can relax for what Mario would call this win-win situation. There's no need to vote and we can save our pennies for when it counts; the combination could only have been bettered with having Luke to choose from too.

It would be good to see Mario stay, but only because he looks ready to lose his temper in style. His argument with Lisa about washing up and annoyance with Belinda for snoring louder than him were promising material for Big Brother fans, but has he done enough to keep himself safe? Only a lecture on health and safety can save him now.

Big Brother and the Big Paper Bag

Well, who would have thought it Mario, Luke can fight his way out of a giant paper bag and Lisa can't. Speaking of Luke and Mario, fingers crossed their fates are now sealed after their nasty talk in the diary room about all women and Mohamed. Luke has come to resemble the bad cop/bad lawyer who gets as much information out of the criminals as possible so they condemn themselves with their own words. Mikey ended up in jail after being 'led on' by him, and Mario the Manager has now portrayed himself as sneering and sexist.It is likely these events would have occurred without Luke's input, to be fair, but his trickery is becoming tiresome. It is time for Rachel to embrace the inner bitch (although I'm sure there isn't one) and set up a whispering campaign against him.

Big Brother's Lisa: Travelling Light

When Lisa informed the house and millions of viewers that she has had at least 10 out of body experiences, I wonder how many people assumed this occurred while Mario was telling her about his time on the beat. If only he had been chanting one of his mantras (about swings and roundabouts or being respectful to others), I think Kat would have been able to levitate on her own.

Last night, Mario revealed again that he has forgotten the basics of Big Brother - if people have just been saved in the eviction vote, there is a chance the public like them and so you should pretend to like them too. It is as though his wisdom is being drained from him the longer he stays; by the time he faces eviction he will be sharing a bed with Luke and chasing him around the garden.  

Big Brother: Some survival tips

How to survive Big Brother this summer:

The viewers: avoid watching Big Brother's Big Mouth as you may become annoyed and suffer a coronary.

Mario: refrain from mentioning your time on the beat - as a postman - and stick to the Health and Safety Facilitator spiel.

Luke: try to be pleasant.

Kat: never refer to cookies again as this could lead to a majority of nominations.

Belinda: say your name just the once.

Darnell: only frighten the other housemates enough to keep them in check.

Mohamed: stop eating.

Rex: take a vow of silence until after this week's nominations. This advice should also be noted by the other remaining housemates.

Big Brother: Jen's eviction

89.7% of the righteous Big Brother voters judged Jen should be evicted, leaving us to wonder how big her family is to make up the remaining votes. Aww, that isn't very nice - but I am being honest so that's ok.

It was quite a busy night with the added extra of three new housemates and it'll be good to see if Belinda will last more than a week. Not only does she snore louder than Mario, she will also be a threat to him in other areas - self-appointed House Elder, worldly wise, finds Lisa attractive, and a bit of a know all (hopefully). It doesn't take Mystic Meg to predict handbags at dawn; or at least the chance to see Mario being two-faced again.

Big Brother's Kat: Uncomfortable viewing

Last week Mario redeemed himself - almost - when he intervened in the spitting debacle, but what has happened to him since? It is as though he has thought long and hard, in his capacity as House Manager, and has decided to commit Big Brother suicide. After calling Kat 'pathetic' after seeing her in tears, let alone nominating Rex and Mohamed, I sense his days are now numbered.

The same should surely be said of Luke, but knowing the show as we do, this aspiring Hilda Ogden (or should that be Ivy Tilsley?) will probably make it to the final. Note to the Big Brother editors: less of the Luke/Bex double act now as they are so insistent on trying to dominate A.T. (air time to us) that it has become tedious.

Big Brother Nominations: Rex and Jen

Mmm, Rex or Jen - not a difficult one to choose between because I think my head will explode if I have to listen to Jen's take on relationships, parenting, make up and clothes for much longer. If any other reason were needed, don't forget she should be allowed the freedom to explore her artistic talent in the outside world (and her family will be pleased to see her).

If Jen does go on Friday, Mario is more than capable of filling her role of wannabe Wise One so don't let this deter you either. He has already shown that he doesn't always understand what is going on, as when he thought Rachel had a crush on him, but with all his facilitating experience he should know by now that Luke is a slippery politician.

Big Brother's Lesson in Empathy

It is too easy to say things like 'the blind leading the bland' after last night's show, but I just can't help myself. Probably one of the best moments was when Mario, Darnell, Luke and Bex were in the diary room and while Mario was earnestly talking about the hardships Mikey must have to live with - as well as mentioning his abiding health and safety concerns - Luke and Bex were more bothered with how tight their goggles were. Yes, they are only human and suffering from tight elastic can be painful, but if ever proof were needed that some people should be made to live alone in a box with only crumbs to eat (rather than a house with food, or even a Big Brother house), you now have it.

This annoyance with Bex and Luke could be the usual effect of Big Brother driving the viewers to make up over-exaggerated punishments based on someone being slightly annoying - or I might be right.