tellyjelly

Hollyoaks

If you think Eastenders is too light and fluffy, you should try watching just one episode of Hollyoaks (or the week's omnibus if you're feeling strong enough) to find some pure misery. Nothing good ever happens to the characters and no wonder they are always giving out helpline numbers, for the widest variety of problems you are ever likely to come across, at the end of every programme.

This week, for example, Jack faked his own death with the encouragement of his wayward gambling son Darren. Jack's foster son, Newt, has an imaginary friend who is psychotic. Myra is still searching for the son she gave up for adoption, and it turns out he is also psychotic. Steph is grieving for Max who expired at the altar a week or so ago, and so the relentless heart-breaking storylines continue. Avid viewers know if anyone does ever experience a moment of joy, it will be that short-lived they will be in despair again by tomorrow. All in all, definitely worth watching if you're feeling too happy.

Big Brother's Belinda Evicted

The bravest cyclist in Big Brother history - Belinda if you didn't know - has now been evicted and is probably being signed up as we speak for the next Christmas number one. Her love of music is second only to the housemates love of packing-up. Who could have thought it would be possible to get that excited about sandwiches even if they have been eating chick peas for a week.

Rex survives again to torment the others with his sarcasm and unfriendly wit - let's hope he stays for the final. That could only be improved upon with a sooner-rather-than-later eviction of Luke. Some of us may have felt a little bit sorry for him when he was ill this week, but true Big Brother fans should bear a grudge, forget the sympathy and remember his back-stabbing ways. It was strange that Stewart compared him to Frank Spencer yesterday, after complaining in yesterday's post that he (ooh Betty) doesn't get enough Air Time, but I refuse to see this as a sign of good fortune for Luke - it is just a coincidence and is not the universe calling him a winner.

Big Brother: Eating and fighting

It was good to see Kat and Rex impersonating Frank Spencer last night as I think he's been overlooked (marginalised even) for far too long - well, since the disappearance of Mike Yarwood. Their failure to rise to the eating challenge was made all the more disappointing when Lisa revealed she used to eat 20 hot dog sausages in one sitting. This is more unbelievable than the alien story, but I'm sure her heart is in the right place (as Mario looks reasonably healthy).

Amazingly, the hellish ones passed the Tour de Grand Frere task and this was without the help of Luke, Bex, Sarah and Belinda. The only time Bex was energetic was when it came to celebrating the end of it. The events of last night were overshadowed, though, with the news that Luke is now a man and is the same age as Bex. So, this means 1) they aren't thirteen and 2) they have both been eligible to vote for a number of years.

Big Brother Awards (so far)

The Bravest Cyclist - Belinda

Most Sarcastic - jointly awarded to Rex, IanM (see comments on Home Page - At Home) and Tellyjelly

Unlikeliest Raconteur, Giving Peter Ustinov a Run for His Money - Lisa and the alien story

Most Likely to Become President Outside of the House - Darnell

Worst Judge of Character on Entering the House - jointly awarded to Dale and Stuart

Most Likely to Never Run a Successful Dance School - Dennis

Big Brother Nominations: Belinda v Rex

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god - we can't vote out Houdini Bex this week leaving us with the unsatisfying choice of Belinda or Rex. If they became a couple, I suppose they could be called Bex and they could double date with Mario and Lisa and listen to their stories about safety in the workplace, body sculpting and visits from aliens - but this still wouldn't make up for the extra week of whine that we have to endure from Coventry's finest export. 

While I'm on the subject of Big Brother related matters, again, how low is Big Brother's Big Mouth going to go before the producers realise it just isn't funny anymore? Comedian Andrew Maxwell was a guest last night and I can only hope he will be sued at some point under the Trade Descriptions Act.

Coronation Street

Just when we thought the workers were safe ages after the timely demise of Mike Baldwin, arch-capitalist Tony Gordon is wheeled out twirling his moustache and swirling his cape. He is of a new breed compared to Mike, though, and isn't prepared to settle for Deirdre Barlow and a riverside flat. His greed has no such provincial limits, but he does seem far too concerned about Kev's garage. Tony is the man who plans to make £10 million in x amount of years (I can't remember how many- but he hasn't got long) and yet he is intent on sticking around in a poxy backstreet factory with five sometimes six machinists. Speaking of which, why haven't they gone on strike over Sean's dismissal? The factory strike happens at least once a year and I'm sure they haven't bothered so far. 

Big Brother and the Decline and Fall of Western Civilization

It's bad enough that trainee schoolteacher Rachel isn't sure if there are 352 or 356 days in a year, but t's even more worrying that politics student Luke cannot understand why Darnell has chosen the model Maysoon to come to Heaven with him. Luke's infatuation for Bex may have dulled his senses temporarily, or, more likely, he might not be astute as he thinks he is.

This time next year the unpleasant bully Bex will have been repackaged as pleasant and will have proven that she is the smartest of the lot when her fitness video and new range of perfume come out a la Jade, because this is surely the one she aspires to be. When Bex said she thought (I should say pretended to think) Gordon Ramsey was the prime minister, and that vulgar meant vulture, she knew she would be on to a winner even if she gets voted out next week.