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Big Brother: Some survival tips

How to survive Big Brother this summer:

The viewers: avoid watching Big Brother's Big Mouth as you may become annoyed and suffer a coronary.

Mario: refrain from mentioning your time on the beat - as a postman - and stick to the Health and Safety Facilitator spiel.

Luke: try to be pleasant.

Kat: never refer to cookies again as this could lead to a majority of nominations.

Belinda: say your name just the once.

Darnell: only frighten the other housemates enough to keep them in check.

Mohamed: stop eating.

Rex: take a vow of silence until after this week's nominations. This advice should also be noted by the other remaining housemates.

Big Brother: Jen's eviction

89.7% of the righteous Big Brother voters judged Jen should be evicted, leaving us to wonder how big her family is to make up the remaining votes. Aww, that isn't very nice - but I am being honest so that's ok.

It was quite a busy night with the added extra of three new housemates and it'll be good to see if Belinda will last more than a week. Not only does she snore louder than Mario, she will also be a threat to him in other areas - self-appointed House Elder, worldly wise, finds Lisa attractive, and a bit of a know all (hopefully). It doesn't take Mystic Meg to predict handbags at dawn; or at least the chance to see Mario being two-faced again.

Big Brother's Kat: Uncomfortable viewing

Last week Mario redeemed himself - almost - when he intervened in the spitting debacle, but what has happened to him since? It is as though he has thought long and hard, in his capacity as House Manager, and has decided to commit Big Brother suicide. After calling Kat 'pathetic' after seeing her in tears, let alone nominating Rex and Mohamed, I sense his days are now numbered.

The same should surely be said of Luke, but knowing the show as we do, this aspiring Hilda Ogden (or should that be Ivy Tilsley?) will probably make it to the final. Note to the Big Brother editors: less of the Luke/Bex double act now as they are so insistent on trying to dominate A.T. (air time to us) that it has become tedious.

Big Brother Nominations: Rex and Jen

Mmm, Rex or Jen - not a difficult one to choose between because I think my head will explode if I have to listen to Jen's take on relationships, parenting, make up and clothes for much longer. If any other reason were needed, don't forget she should be allowed the freedom to explore her artistic talent in the outside world (and her family will be pleased to see her).

If Jen does go on Friday, Mario is more than capable of filling her role of wannabe Wise One so don't let this deter you either. He has already shown that he doesn't always understand what is going on, as when he thought Rachel had a crush on him, but with all his facilitating experience he should know by now that Luke is a slippery politician.

Big Brother's Lesson in Empathy

It is too easy to say things like 'the blind leading the bland' after last night's show, but I just can't help myself. Probably one of the best moments was when Mario, Darnell, Luke and Bex were in the diary room and while Mario was earnestly talking about the hardships Mikey must have to live with - as well as mentioning his abiding health and safety concerns - Luke and Bex were more bothered with how tight their goggles were. Yes, they are only human and suffering from tight elastic can be painful, but if ever proof were needed that some people should be made to live alone in a box with only crumbs to eat (rather than a house with food, or even a Big Brother house), you now have it.

This annoyance with Bex and Luke could be the usual effect of Big Brother driving the viewers to make up over-exaggerated punishments based on someone being slightly annoying - or I might be right. 

Big Brother's Tears Before Bedtime

Making Kat cry can be added to the list of other fruitful occupations such as taking candy from a baby and pulling the legs off spiders. Bex has moved quickly in three weeks from the one you felt sorry for, and she was picked on by Alex about her bad chips don't forget, to being the heir apparent to Queen B. At least she has proven she is no lapdog and speaks her mind, and Jade Goody should be proud of this latest apprentice (as should Jade's separated at birth, Dennis). In Big Brother history, many contestants fall into the trap of thinking that speaking one's mind = honesty and fail to see that most of the voters think it means being unpleasant. Surely she's the next to go.