tellyjelly

Those Who Kill: ITV3 29 March 2012

Fans of Those Who Kill, or as we call it Den Som Draeber, have been left wondering at the end of Series 1 if it is possible that Thomas Schaeffer has solved his last case. Spoiler alert for those who are yet to see it, but was he killed by the bomb while standing by the flagpole, or is this just a trick on the poor viewers? Katrine was last seen about to board a train, possibly grieving for Thomas and deciding to live her life as he advised, or was she simply taking a break from policing while they write Series 2?

Eastenders: Christmas Day and Boxing Day, December 2011

Misery is for life not just Christmas in Eastenders World, but the Christmas and Boxing Day 'specials' raised the benchmark. It wasn't just Zainab who was left screaming at the sight of Tamwar on fire (thankfully he was wearing a fireproof duffle coat); the audience were similarly overcome and left too close to a nervous breakdown to be able to stop watching it.

Plot by numbers was the key to all of this. Shots of blocked fire exits before the first fire is even alluded to. Shots of Patrick and the youngest Moon boy leaving massive boxes of fireworks and whisky on the stairs as they were dragged back into the party in the living room. Best of all the corniness was Christian saving Masood from the first fire, and then leaving him alone to recover in the kitchen. Rather than going outside for fresh air and to reassure everyone he's ok, Masood calls his family from said kitchen - and they all walk off to the pub presuming he'll be fine. It comes as no surprise that shortly after this poignnant moment the fire reignites courtesy of scrunched up newspaper and explosives on the staircase. Oh dear, must stop watching this before it starts to seem plausible.

 

Big Brother Final: 11 November 2011

Nations, families and houses have been divided with the announcement of this year's winner. No drum roll, so as not to offend anyone, and the winner is (those related to Fay should look away now), Aaron.

Jay came second, Alex third and Louise was fourth and first out the bungalow.

Some say it's a fix, and others are forced to recall the pain of the night that Ulrika won Celebrity Big Brother, but there we have it.

Made in Chelsea: 27 September 2011

Acorn Antiques with nobs on might be one way of describing this show, but after last night's yachting theme it came to me like a flash. This is Howard's Way for those lucky enough to not remember it. Stilted speech and lots of pauses; it might even be  described as Pinteresque, maybe. Whatever anyway - if we're going to be truly judgemental, consensus says The Only Way is Essex is the hands down winner. At least those guys smile.

Big Brother: Eviction Night, 16 September 2011

Tashi, Harry and Aaron were the nominated ones this week and there weren't many surprises for followers of the show when Tashi got the first boot of the series. Don't worry about her, though, as she's going straight to the recording studio probably as we speak to not so much cash in on but to make the most of her fame.

Oh God, hooked already.

Big Brother: September 2011, Channel 5

Week one in the Big Brother house, and hopefully it'll start now that Pamela Anderson has left. It doesn't matter how many times we are told on Big Brother's Bit on the Side that she is an A-list celebrity and the housemates are lucky to have her in there, it just seemed like one more gimmick to ruin the start of the show. No surprises that her deemed favourites were the best at being sycophantic, but it hardly makes interesting viewing.

Celebrity Big Brother: Channel Five, August 2011

The return of Big Brother also marks the return of the barometer of fickleness. Case in point: I didn't think it would be possible to ever forgive Jedward for pushing Andrew when they made a fleeting appearance in last year's Big Brother, but it's looking as though I've not only got over that incident, at last, but I'd now quite like them to win. The main reason is their ability to annoy Darren again and again and again. Apart from this, they also seem likeable in their own right. Big Brother magic must be working even if it is on a new fangled channel I've never heard of.

Celebrity Rehab with Dr Drew: Really, August 2011

It's strange that a programme about other people's addictions can be addictive, but that's irony and schadenfreude for you. Alliteration does Dr Drew no favours and, perhaps more sincerely or perhaps not, it makes it even harder to take him seriously. Same goes for his at least 30 odd year old assistant who insists on wearing her hair in bunches.

For us Brits, many of the celebrities aren't that famous, except Dennis Rodman and Heidi Fleiss, but that's still a better famous headcount than this year's Big Brother. Here's hoping they all get better, but you can't help wondering how useful it is being tracked by a camera when trying to recover from an illness. They even followed one women while she went to the vet's to have her dog put down. Even more morally repugnant than the filming crew, I watched it.

Eastenders: 2 August 2011

Prompted into action, and having escaped from the Queen Vic set, I see Eastenders is still being watched by at least me, and this is only to show how heroic you have to be when on the frontline of telly reporting. It is rarely a pleasure especially now Lola is one of the latest centres of attention.What's the betting there'll be lots of mentions of 'I'm more of a Mitchell than you' over the forthcoming decades?

The new Moons are also representative of what happens when you fill a vacuum with, I don't know, a hoover. I hear that two weeks ago Tyler Moon was a cheeky chirpy cockney, but within moments of coming close to the market inspector he literally turned into a rottweiler. He grew black and tan fur and then started barking. It's as though behind the scenes they decided to change his personality without warning or logic. Now he's been given a terrible temper, Michael has a way of manipulating him. Ah, he's so clever and the others are so gullible - I wonder what'll happen next.

Pointless: BBC 1, July 2011

What a good week it's been. The Murdoch empire is wobbling a little bit, Tom is through to the final on The Apprentice, and, perhaps best of all, Pointless has moved from BBC 2 To BBC 1. Seriously, does it get any better than this? The round on naming different variety of lettuces - or is it lettuci? no, it's lettuces - proves that there is still good in this world, even if the time still isn't right to get Sky. Perhaps a few more years and my dream will come true.