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Coronation Street: 29 September 2008

Could someone please explain why Janice went to all the trouble of creating the fake i.d. bearing Rosie Webster's name to cash the lottery ticket? Couldn't she have just cashed it herself as the bearer of the ticket? The only possible but convoluted reason is that she is going to have to admit to ripping off her colleagues now Rosie has gone missing as the the police will find out about the bank account. Apart from this quibble, this disappearing act is beginning to look good and could mean the show will turn into the north-west of England's answer to Twin Peaks - a damn fine bitter and Betty's hot pot sounds almost right.

Strictly Come Dancing and the Eastenders Cull

First Phil Daniels gets voted off and then Gillian Taylforth last night, and so the curse of Eastenders has struck again. This could be because they aren't very good dancers, but more likely it's karma working at long last as the gods have decided to punish those involved in the most depressing soap ever - with Hollyoaks as a close second.

I've also noticed that Strictly Come Dancing is getting longer and longer and next year it will probably be on every night for 10 or 11 hours depending on if they can find enough people/celebrities willing to punish themselves in this way. If not Bruce, could tell more and more jokes to fill in the time, well, he can carry on much as he does now and baffle people with his scripted wit. That one about Craig sucking on a lemon was particularly strange and, some may say, unnecessary.

Eastenders: 23 September 2008

Having endured a self-imposed ban on Eastenders for all of a show and a half, it drew me back last night like a siren and it's as though I've never been away. Luckily, I tuned in in time to see Big Mo explaining to Danielle about the finer points of market trading. All you have to do, apparently, is telling passing women who look a bit down that they look like Victoria Beckham. You then give them a scraggy bit of cloth and they give you £50 and everyone's a winner. And Dot has managed to put the Masoods and Patrick and Yolande out of business after a spot of food poisoning; well they'll be threatened with it no doubt and there will be much angst, until the script writers move on to another subject, such as Stacie being indecisive about getting pregnant.

Coronation Street: John Stape not John Snape

John Stape, English teacher, taxi driver, and now kidnapper has clearly come unstuck from reality. This became apparent last night and it wasn't just that he expected our Rosie to be sorry for her (and his) actions, but that he thought citing John Webster to her would make a difference. This could only happen in Coronation Street and that is why it wipes the floor with Eastenders every time. 

While Eastenders is trying to crank up its ratings by sensationalising abuse, Coronation Street avoids the clamour and even manages to be funny. Take the conversation between Blanche and Norris when they were gossiping about Jerry's ex-wife being a poisoner, and Norris said how he knew she was a criminal because her face is harder than the ones on Mount Rushmore; he's also worried about dying alone in a bedsit and turning into 'half-man half-mattress'. If only he had more lines, and could talk to Roy more so he had more lines, and then they could both visit Albert Square to give us a break from the east end perpetual misery.

The Family on Channel 4

I'm not sure if this updated version of The Family is too slick or if I'm being nostalgic for the 70s and the Wilkins, but I can't help thinking this family just isn't interesting enough to sustain a two month show. Apart from having the wrong family (ie not the Wilkins), I wish they'd left at least one reference in about the cameras filming their every move to remind me it's supposed to be a documentary. The soundtrack, occasional voiceovers and smart editing could lead some people to believe they'd been watching a Kent version of Crossroads. 

 

For those like me who miss the real family, go to http://www.screenonline.org.uk/tv/id/444743/ to see a clip of Tom.

BBC4's Only Connect

On seeing Victoria Coren was presenting a new quiz show I thought it would be worth a look as she has some quirky views. In the Observer, she wrote in defence of the two young chaps who pushed a woman off a train platform the day after she had criticised them for smoking at the same station. Bearing this in mind, there was a good chance this programme could have been original in its use of violence on game show contestants (throwing darts at each other instead of the board; tie them to the wheel of fortune before pushing it down the hill).

Unfortunately, it was un peu pretentious rather than funny or exciting. The give away was when one team member (of the Knitters) described a home-made tank-top as 'artisan crafted' rather than 'knitted', and the only way they could choose a category to answer a question was to have a working knowledge of the Greek alphabet. I doubt they win anything either, except the glory of taking part; it almost makes you wish for a return of Les Dennis (not Vernon Kay, who has been rumoured to be dead - but isn't) in Family Fortunes.

The Dark Side of Fame with Piers Morgan: Jim Davidson

As a former tabloid editor, you'd have thought Piers Morgan was the dark side of fame and Jim seemed to think so too as he blamed journalists for the downfall of his last marriage. Listen to Jim, though, and it doesn't take long to see that this subject choice was perfect for showing that Piers Morgan isn't that bad really, not when you compare the two anyway. Put aside all allegations and truths about his (Davidson's) homophobia, racism, sexism, and hatred for anyone left out, you still know he hasn't caught up with the 20th century when he quotes a Jethro joke to make his point about disliking women. As sorry a figure as this makes him, I can only feel sympathy for his ex-wives and all the soldiers who have not only had to fight in a war, but listen to his stand-up routine as well.

Coronation Street: 15 September 2008

As if Jerry didn't have enough to put with, seeing as his ex-wife tried to poison him, she has to drag out an old mocked up photo of when they were together 'before the twins were made'. By my reckoning this was around the time he was Sinbad in Brookside and he looked nothing like this younger Jerry; he looked the same then as he does now. Someone should tell Teresa this is a case of mistaken identity and this interloper was busying washing windows on a quiet close in Liverpool at the time she supposedly met him.

Big Brother: What the housemates did next

I wonder if Lee Kern was forced at gun point to make this film of what the housemates did next, as he just used the full hour to show us that these people are only celebrity wannabes whose fifteen minutes of fame are already over. Even though he is really smart, because he kept up the disingenuous act long enough to make everyone involved look less intelligent than him, he should have remembered his audience. We already know the housemates have no particular talents beyond appearing in a reality show for as many weeks as possible, and we also already know they are looking for a good pay day at the end of it. It would have been far more interesting to find out if Rex really should thank his father for his personality and see what Prince Charming thought of Kat's appearance. While we're on the subject, has Darnell bought himself some new slippers yet?

When Women Rule the World

When women rule the world, Steve Jones will be gurning in the background and making fatuous comments if this latest reality offering is anything to go by. Of course it goes without saying that this show cannot be trusted in anyway in its depiction of what would happen if the roles were reversed, except women will abuse their power too. It was hilarious at times, though, especially when the said presenter informed us that the show has set out to 'examine gender differences'.

I suggest the contestants should all undergo an enforced gender re-allocation to truly test this hypothesis and with the promise of a deal with OK magazine I'm pretty sure they'll go along with it. The side benefit for us will be that they can suffer the same pain we've had to endure.

The Secret Millionaire in Rochdale

It's strange how The Secret Millionaire always manages to be moving even though we know a) the millionaires can easily afford to give the money away, and b) their acts of charity help support rather than undo the capitalist system that has made their fortunes and kept the recipients poor. Perhaps it's the idea of being kind to strangers that is interesting to watch, and last night's show was a little different in that the millionaire (Hilary Devey) didn't claim to have an ideal lifestyle despite the wealth. The history of her son's heroin addiction and the last shot of her at home alone in her mansion prove money doesn't buy everything (but if you're reading this can you lend me a fiver?).

Eastenders: 8th September 2008

While we're still all mourning the loss of Big Brother for another year, Eastenders fits the mood as it drags on from episode to episode forever and ever.

The latest intrigue is set to involve unlikely femme fatale Stacie (yet again; more yawns) and new boy multi-talented Callum who is also the son of Bobby Davro, well, his character, Vinnie. Not only does Callum work for Ian Beale, which is always a difficult proposition, he also teaches Fightercise in the community centre. I doubt many viewers were surprised about this double life as every single member of the cast must have mentioned this class at least ten times before it began so we knew something exciting would happen when they arrived en masse, and lo and behold when Stacie turns up there he is ready to instruct them.

The only bright spot on the Eastenders map is the welcome thought that the latest Mitchell - Archie -  will turn out to be the worst one yet. His unprecedented kindness to Billy has not gone unnoticed and in a few weeks, perhaps at Christmas dinner, he will reveal how secretly he hates them all and has stuffed the turkey with arsenic.

Big Brother: Rachel wins

Good triumphed over evil in the final: well, Rachel came out of the house some time after Rex and I can only hope he will be a little disappointed - but not nearly as much as Luke seems to be. She came out the winner and was clutching Mikey's favourite washing aide, which is also known as his cup, and amazingly continued to be as nice a person as she has been for the last three months when tallking to Davina. It's possible then that the cynics have been wrong and she hasn't been delivering an Oscar winning performance - she really is kind and isn't pretending.

The order of merit for those who missed it:

1. Rachel, with just over 51% of the final vote.

2. Close second Mikey.

3. Sara.

4. Rex.

5. Darnell.

Big Brother: The last night

Mikey's the favourite to win tonight, but the betting hasn't always being good at forecasting what's going to happen this year. Sara was the easy favourite to go against Lisa, but the bookies must have missed the episode when Darnell and Rex became more versed in bullying and used her to practice on. To be fair, Mikey should win just for the footage of him eating the infamous Scotch Bonnet hottest chilli ever (so ring for him now).

The only downside to tonight's show, apart from the terrible idea of Rex winning and thinking he's popular, is listening to Davina Teflon McCall fawn over the rude housemates and bully the quieter ones. What's the betting she'll have a go at humiliating Rachel?

Big Brother: Kat and Mohamed Evicted

Last night's eviction has to have been one of the most traumatic ever, or funniest depending on who you like and don't like. Mohamed's departure could have been depicted without a crystal ball as his time came to an end, but Kat's was a shocker. The fact that she was next to go was made even worse because she was weeping and still hadn't recovered from Mo leaving.

There has been plenty of talk about Disney characters, what with Rachel's chilling love for all things Disney, and who would have thought Rex would have been so knowledgeable on this subject (as he knew who Belle was). This still didn't prepare us for the equivalent of Bambi's mother being shot, though, and I only hope Big Brother is willing to pay for counselling for the viewers who saw Kat in such distress.

Big Brother the Final Week

You can tell the pressure is increasing in the final week when Kat starts to look a bit moany and Rex seems to be funny. It's not just the housemates that are feeling it, it's us too and even Darnell gained some sympathy last night after Kat's mini-breakdown. I don't like to make light of her emotional upheaval, but she should try Oil of Evening Primrose Oil for times such as these; or, she could start caring less about her friend Darnell.

While we're on the subject, I don't blame Rachel for shielding her gaze when he decided to fake tan his bum (with Sara's help), and Rex should be less judgemental of her prudishness. I'm just surprised she could find a cushion big enough to preserve their modesty.