tellyjelly

Eastenders: 25 and 26 December 2009

So Archie is no more, deceased, killed by the bust of Queen Victoria and whoever was wielding it. This tops the death by doggie doorstop by a country mile - that is, when Dirty Den was whacked (with one).

The main suspects for Archie's murder cover just about anyone old and/or strong enough to pick the Queen Vic up and aim it at the back of his head. The sensible money should go on someone who has already taken a life, such as Phil or Janine or Pat Butcher, but Pat was out of the country and it would be a bit samey if Phil or Janine did it. The preferred choice at the moment (here at Tellyjelly headquarters) is Ian Beale, but this is only because he always seems to deserve to go to prison even if it is just because of the facial hair he has decided to grow.

Eastenders: 17 December 2009

It's good to see our patron saint Harry Hill has got some work at this expensive time of year. It might not be everybody's idea of entertainment, but a certain amount of skill is involved in fire eating so thanks for that Harry especially as it was the Christmas party for the old folks. Silly Aunt Sall was tricked into believing it was a special birthday party for her, even though Roxie and Ronnie were dressed as Father Christmas. But that's how silly she is, you see.

British Comedy Awards 2009

There was more than a whiff of jealousy floating about here and this included Armando Iannucci doing himself no favours by only appearing to be lighthearted about having to wait for 20 years for this award and then moving quickly on to have a bitchy dig about Michael McIntyre.

To prove how subjective comedy is, they even let Frankie Boyle out for the night and gave him the chance to make yet another joke he'll come to regret telling in a few years time - you know, when he's grown up a bit more and realises using rape as subject matter just isn't funny (even though sidekicks like Dara O'Briain tell him he's a great laugh).

Eastenders: 8 December 2009

When the BBC announcers introduce a programme, such as last night's Eastenders, I wish they would remember that some of us have our tea at that time and warn us about anything that might make us regret eating, ever. Specifically, I am referring to the love rhombus made up of Janine, Archie, Ian and Ryan - can't we just move on from this strange need-they-all-have-to-take-over-the-Vic-at-all-costs storyline and check up on Jim and Dot instead. Or follow Jean around for a bit, or see what Christian is up to. No. We are instead forced to sit through the quadrangle of doom.

Coronation Street: 7 December 2009

As sure as eggs is eggs, little Simon'g going to be in the middle of a tug of war anytime soon and you can bet any money that when Grandad George wins, temporarily, he'll let him watch as much wide screen tv as he wants. This is only opinion not fact, but let's face it, Simon's new-found materialistic streak is being written into the storyline for a reason. It's not that long ago he was just pleased about being rescued from a fire, now he wants the latest computer games too.

Elsewhere in the land of cobbles, Becky and Claire are going to put on a panto and John Stape will be directing it. The venue is the Rovers and the date is yet to be arranged but it's supposed to be before Christmas. Be there or be square - ooh, and will Grandad George play the part of wicked stepmother? 

I'm A Celebrity: Winner of 2009

The new king of the jungle is chef Gino D'Acampo and this should be no surprise whatsoever if you've been watching this year. His runner-up and potential double-act partner was Kim Woodburn, and Jimmy White came third.

Eastenders: 30 November 2009

Eastenders has had strange, confusing storylines in the past, and I don't think any of us have recovered yet from the mystery as to why the writers thought it would be good to have Danielle run over. Then there was the decision to have Darren named as baby George Michael's father (George Michael Trott, not the singer). The latest is a corker though - last night Bianca said that Ian was her uncle. The branches in the Eastenders' family trees may be twisted and overlap now and again, but surely Bianca is not and never has been a Beale. I can only think that because sister Sonia married Martin Fowler, she meant to say that Ian was her cousin-in-law. If you think you know the truth behind this - if he is her uncle her not - put your answers on the back of postcard please.