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Eastenders: 28 May 2009

Last night's Eastenders was chock full of incidents, and best of all was the creation of a new sport organised and led by Phil. The rules for this game are clear: find four men of various heights and abilities and give them a racquet or bat of their choice. The drunkest one then goes to the nearest door and tries to unlock it without dropping cricket bat/baseballl bat/squash racquet.  Phil lost the first game, unsurprisingly, but Billy has an outside chance of being beaten to a pulp. Something like that anyway.

The Apprentice: Week Ten, 27 May 2009

This week Lorraine performed the great escape (da da, da daa da da da) and we can only hope she and James manage to bamboozle the interview panel enough in the next episode to get through to the final. Howard drew the short straw, while also being told he isn't a big man, and was last seen in a taxi - until he appeared on You're Fired two minutes later.

Eastenders: 22 May 2009

At last, the blackmail plot against Billy is over. Apart from the misery that you know will accompany any storyline he is involved in, it is as though the writers move up a gear for him and thank God they haven't tortured all of us by making him be Nasty Nick's victim for evermore. Billy is predictable in that he is never a hero, is always penniless and downtrodden, and is always the poor relation of the Mitchell clan but at least he has good lines and I don't feel like kicking the telly in when he is on. If it is time for his storyline, it also means we don't have to listen to the boring old tosh about Ronnie/Roxie either, which is always a bonus. Speaking of which, is anybody bothered about their strange yet uninteresting love triangle with Jack? Thought not.  

The Apprentice: Week Nine, 20 May 2009

There was another surprise dismissal as Debra once more failed to get the boot. She seems to be trying really hard to get the sack, but Siralan isn't having any of it despite the fact that his two trusted colleagues don't seem to like her very much. He was a boogie woogie bugle boy, though, and so he should know.

Last night meant it was goodbye Ben and as with the other would be apprentices, he came across disappointingly well on You're Fired. He was even good-natured enough to laugh at the constant reminders of how he has mentioned his Sandhurst scholarship once or twice.

By now we should be able to sort out a winner. My mythical money is on James or Lorraine. This has of course cursed them; therefore, it will probably be Howard. But this has cursed him now, so it might be Kate or Yasmina.

Eastenders: 19 May 2009

Sid tells Bradley she has another man in her life. Her young son then appears in the doorway and we all breathe a sigh of relief as it dawns on us, all at once, that she hasn't been cheating on the strawberry blonde one, she's just been embarrassed about having a child. Bearing in mind this child hasn't been spotted thus far, I wonder if she has been keeping him in the attic or a cupboard. I'm so glad that this misunderstanding is sorted out now as the drama was getting too much: will Bradley leave for Edinburgh or won't he, and why is Sid acting strangely - thankfully these have all been answered.

Coronation Street: 15 May 2009

You'd have thought Norris's long lost half-brother, Ramsey, would've rang to say he was calling round, but perhaps he doesn't like using the phone (or answer machines).

Well, what a turn up - one door closes, with Mary going, and a trap door opens for Norris and meanwhile Eddy, the Roy Cropper doppelganger, has won a trip to any European city of his choice. I thought he would have opted for Manchester but disappointing wifey has chosen Paris.

Coronation Street: 13 May 2009

Norris and Mary sitting in the Beast, not k.i.s.s.i.n.g. Well, if you watched it last night you would know I'm referring to Mary's femme fatale make-over and the meal they both had in the camper van. It was a night of revelations really. Who knew before yesterday that she had named her monkey (Miu Miu? Mao Mao?), or that she is a life-long fan of Sheena Easton?

The Apprentice: Week 8, 13 May 2009

Lucky Margate had the chance to be re-branded by the two teams this week and I really don't know what the town had done to deserve this. Anyway, back in the boardroom it was between Debra, James and Mona and Mona took the bullet for Debra. On the You're Fired show we were led to believe James was the lucky one, as 'the one that got away', so somehow Debra slipped through the net yet again. Here are the facts: she didn't complete the leaflet in time, was ok about lying about the gaps on the leaflet, and was obnoxious once again to the guy who she wants to employ her. I rest my case.

Eastenders: 12 May 2009

Now that you can't even enjoy a good sneeze in public, you'd think the writers would let up on the moralising about binge drinking. Can't we do anything anymore? Red-eyed Phil is a lesson for all of us to learn, though, because we too might end up falling down the stairs if, logically by Eastenders standards, we refuse to kill the enemy within (Archie of course, keep up) on our Eastend mum's say so and then turn to alcohol as a comfort. Oh dear.

Mark Lawson Talks to Ian Hislop: BBC 4 9 May 2009

This is worth watching if only to see a clip of Ian Hislop squirming when he tried to interview Tom Waits on his first foray into television work. He tells Mark Lawson he was worried that Waits was going to be violent, and the fear shows.

If you, like me, are getting tired of the rise in nastiness and reduction in humour in Have I Got News For You this could still be of interest because it will remind you that Hislop at least used to be satirical as well as explaining why he doesn't like Piers Morgan very much.

Eastenders: 8 May 2009

I wonder if Nasty Nick could ever be made into a more than one dimensional character. One and a quarter or even one and a half dimensions would make him that bit less predictable. Billy looks surprised that he wants to blackmail him, and Dot doesn't realise that the same Nick who tried to kill her years ago now wants her to think she is losing her marbles and her ... memory. Don't these people ever watch Eastenders? Me thinks this will only end in tears when she finds out, yet again, that her son is a soap villain.

The Apprentice: Week Seven, 6 May 2009

Was this the best one so far, or what? Philip was given his marching orders not long after he showed a complete lack of maturity and I don't know if he ever had the chance to find the dummy he spat out. The strange thing about many of The Apprentice contestants is the unerring self-belief they have despite the evidence to the contrary. This week was perhaps the best one for viewers who have ever had to put up with the hard face of arrogance, and revenge was sweet.

Eastenders: 4 May 2009

Cliffhanger Heather, formerly Heather of Eastenders, used to be one of the nation's favourite characters (well, one of mine anyway in this particularly downbeat soap), but it looks like she is set to cause as much misery as all the others now. She was last seen setting fire to the letter that would have put an end to the mystery of who the father of her baby is, and all I could think was how good it is to have metal bins from schools for times like these. What's the betting this storyline drags on into eternity and the baby will only find out who his/her father is in 18 years time and will unfortunately be run over and killed by Janine just as he/she runs across the road to meet him?

Coronation Street: 4 May 2009

I can see it would have been difficult to keep Ken in Coronation Street if he'd have left for the ocean's wave, but surely he could've still had a role via video link or skype. Or Blanche could have come for a holiday with the one o'clock club while he was sailing round Tamworth. Instead, the writers have forced him back to the marriage of convenience and a life more thwarted than ever - ah, poor Ken.

Coronation Street: 1 May 2009

Chaos might be all around in Coronation Street at the moment, but Norris had the best line. No, none of us wanted to picture Kirk's Nuts on Roy's doormat, and although it might seem trivial given Rita's breakdown he was right to sort that out immediately.

Eastenders: 30 April 2009

For the second episode running Heather, has been the star of the last minute cliffhanger. First it was the asthma attack on Tuesday, and last night it was the cancer scare or is she pregnant or should she have been wearing a sports bra while jogging whodunnit. Tonight's episode will probably revolve around her taking a day trip to Beachey Head and slipping, and that will be her third cliffhanger. On Monday night, she will take a trip up West, as Eastenders people do sometimes, and decide to go up Big Ben. By convoluted means she will end up on the outside of the clock face and be gripping on to one of the hands (you know, like Harold Lloyd) just before the dreaded theme tune closes the scene. After that, who knows, but she will probably be ok.