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Emmerdale: 29th December 2008

Not being as green as one is cabbage looking, or something like that, was the motto for the day in soapland yesterday in both Coronation Street and Emmerdale and for knowing that I think the signs are there for me to do other things that don't involve staring at a screen for hours on end. Before this time comes, I must mention Emmerdale and how seasonally uncheery it has been - praise the Lord. One of the major highlights was Victoria holding Shane's cold dead hand under the ice. The saving of the church - for now - was another bonus but this was a little too happy-making for those of us of a negative Christmas disposition. If only Andy could go on a rampage in the next few days, New Year would be so realistic then. Until that time, we have Matthew King's funeral to look forward to and the general demise of what is left of the King family should be good viewing.

Only Connect: The Final

At last, after 15 weeks, the Only Connect champions of 2008 have been found. The Crossworders trounced the Lapsed Psychologists in the most difficult quiz show ever invented and proved beyond doubt they are miles smarter than anybody else. They not only know their Greek alphabet, like all the other contestants, but they actually know other things as well. This show should be shown at primetime on ITV and replace Golden Balls to mark the end of dumbing down. Do you know, they actually have questions on here that make no references to soaps, Harry Potter or 'how many gold rings' there are in Twelve Days of Christmas.

Coronation Street: Christmas Happenings

You'd think the biggest mystery over the Christmas period in Coronation Street would be what has happened to Jed Stone. If you thought this, you'd be wrong. No, the question we're all asking is where did she (Carla) get that hat, where did she get that hat. In second place, we (I anyway) would like to know where Audrey spent Christmas day. While Joe was going with the flow of a soapland Christmas, ie throwing vol-au-vents at the neighbours, she was nowhere to be found. Ok, she resurfaced to accuse Maria of going mad on Boxing Day, but did not bother to explain who she ate turkey with and why she wasn't at Gail's. In third place, how come there was enough paint on the brush for Becky to insert the R in MUDERER to save Maria's graffiti blushes. Apart from these queries, it passed the test of being watchable.

Coronation Street: The Christmas Carol

If Tony Gordon is Scrooge, and Jed and Maria are the ghosts of Christmas past and present, who's playing Tiny Tim? You'd expect this to be Simon, the long-lost-son of Peter, I suppose, but it would be more fitting to have a change from tradition and go with Blanche. She suffers as much with her leg as the Tiny one does, and she could do with a bit of kindness after reciting all the best lines.

While we're asking questions about the nation's favourite soap, who in their right mind would accuse somebody of murder and then arrange to meet them in the back alley (so to speak)? Jed would that's who, and I can't help thinking Tony will get that money back off him one way or another.  

Strictly Come Dancing: The Final

I can't believe the outcome of this year's Strictly Come Dancing final. I'm not surprised at Tom winning because he smiles a lot and people generally like that even though he tripped over, but the shock is that it will be off our screens for six months at least - except for the Christmas Day show for those who can't get enough of it. Apart from his smiles and tap dancing background, we should have known Tom would win because he was the rank outsider for the judges last week, and knowing how popular those judges are the other two didn't stand a chance with the phone in vote deciding everything.

Caption Competition: George Bush and the Flying Shoes

If Have I Got News For You can do it, then so can we. The winner for the best caption for this picture will receive ... the praise of many.

 

For the fuller, moving version click below

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/7782774.stm

Strictly Come Dancing Voting: The semi-final that wasn't

At least the heat is off John Sergeant now that the producers have screwed up on the voting system in Strictly Come Dancing. On the other hand, if he hadn't resigned... NO - there is something strange about all this. Week after week people have been urged to ring up to vote for their favourites when those high up on the leader board obviously haven't needed the help to stay in as their place has already been secured by the judges. This cannot be the first week this has mattered, but it is the first week the BBC has said it does. I didn't think it was possible to string this show out any longer, but I've been proven wrong yet again. Perhaps next week there will be another draw because there's an r in the month, and the week after because it's nearly new year and they don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. These three couples could be in a perpetual dance-off and they don't even know it; this could be their own personal Kafka nightmare as well as ours.

Coronation Street: 16 December 2008

Yeah, yeah, yeah - the credit crunch is kicking in, we know, but surely Tony Gordon can afford a new belt to strangle Maria instead of rummaging through her laundry basket.

As demonic as he is supposed to be, it is good to see trouble brewing because after all it wouldn't be Christmas without more bloodshed in soapland. Some viewers, especially those in Lincolnshire, have mentioned how they would like to see Tony kill Michelle and Carla as well and obliterate the black-haired gang for good, but I think this is a little harsh. Perhaps he could just frighten them enough so they leave and never come back, and Ryan can stay as long as he lets Audrey puts some streaks in.

Coronation Street: 12 December 2008

So, Audrey has suddenly reappeared and instead of supporting Maria and believing Evil Tony Gordon killed Liam she has joined the rest of the cast in trying to Gaslight her. I can't help thinking this is too unlikely for soap fans even, especially as we remember that Audrey was also once the victim of such  manipulation when Richard Hillman was on the scene, but perhaps the scriptwriters have forgotten this. And while we're on the subject of unlikely and annoying events in soapland - the introduction of Eileen's dad has to be up there in the top ten, as does Betty taking on Britney Spears in worst mime act of the year in Emmerdale. Roll on Christmas and the inevitable Queen Vic dinner disaster in Eastenders to cheer me up.

Coronation Street: 7 December 2008

Fanfares of trumpets could be heard across the land with the return, for now, of Coronation Street on a Sunday night. The demise of the black-haired gang is well under way which gives us more cause to celebrate and if only somebody, or just anybody, would believe Maria about her suspicions of Tony then the world would be a happier place. All the main characters seem to have been designated the roles of implying she is imbalanced, because of her recent bereavement and pregnancy, but the script is getting a little predictable because everyone she talks to says something along the lines of 'you're imagining things because your hormones are all over the place - go home and have a lie down'. Yawn yawn - where's Audrey when you need her?

At Home

Stay here for the latest reviews of what is and isn't hot on television. Soaps feature strongly, in accordance with the rules set down for addicts to t.v., and the only reality accepted is that which is edited for the viewers - except for anything with Simon Cowell's fingerprints attached - so Big Brother we are watching you. I also promise to celebrate the goodness of Roy Cropper and the badness of Alan Sugar sorry Sir Alan.

Too often, reviewers tend to criticise telly as though they despise the medium they are paid to watch. Sometimes it seems that they haven't even watched the programme they are discussing. Apart from Teenage Kicks, which is only bearable in five minute segments, the programmes looked at here have been given the full attention they deserve.      

                                   

Emmerdale: 7 December 2008

Shane the evil, bent coppa is now wrapped up in a blanket and ready to be disposed of and all Jasmine can do is cry. This situation is so far removed from what makes Emmerdale interesting - and for the non-believers it can be good, honestly - that I think it might be time to use the remote control more wisely at 7 pm. Or I could wait till it picks up again.

Either way, Shane and his involvement with the nasty MacFarlanes just isn't that compelling despite us knowing that the MacFarlanes own a nightclub (ooh) and are gangsters (even more oohs) and the constant references to how dangerous and important they are in the Yorkshire Dales makes me wonder why they have never been mentioned before. Eastenders fell out of favour with the viewers for the eternal gangster crap and so be warned Emmerdale writers or you could have a mass switch off (of one).

I'm A Celebrity: Separated at Birth Challenge

 

Because last week's quiz was so popular, here's another: which contestant on this year's I'm a Celebrity reminds you of Mrs Mack of Take the High Road? The winner will be selected in due course.

I'm A Celebrity: David Van Day

When Timmy Mallett and David Van Day were introduced as the new jungle - or should that be rain forest - housemates, a sinking feeling came over me and I thought it would be too much 1980s deja vu to handle. Yet again, reality tv has proved me wrong and it turns out that I am interested in how well David Van Day can manipulate the others. I didn't know he had the ability to do this, let alone the energy, and for this he should be made king of the rain forest and given a record deal for the song he has been composing. This may be going too far, but I hope he lasts long enough to at least have time to take over the double decker bus as he promised.